Obviously by July 26, 2000 I'd long since found my column voice:
Well, dear readers, I am making up for lost time with another brand spanking new handy-dandy column. Have you ever made up for lost time? I, for example, am making up for lost time, using a nice blue eye shadow and some subtle lip-gloss, with just a hint of rouge. Why I feel I should make up for lost time when lost time just shows up without any makeup whatsoever, not even eyeliner, is beyond me. And yet, here I am, making up for lost time. I look quite lovely, though, so there you are. I have returned from yet another trip to New York, New York and I have seen yet more plays and musicals which I will discuss ad nauseum later in the column. But for now, let us light our fireworks and sing patriotic songs like Yes, We Have No Bananas because it is the fourth of July weekend. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, it is the weekend of July 4th, even though July 4th appears nowhere in this weekend. This July 4th weekend is just a bit of poetic license, isn't it? My driver's license is also poetic - and to prove it here's a copy of it:
The Real A
Will drive today
Don't get in the way
Or there'll be hell to pay.
Wasn't that a poetic license? What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, the 4th of July weekend which has no July 4th. Being the 4th of July weekend, I hope all of you will be celebrating. I hope we will light our sparklers, shoot off our fireworks, roast our weenies, and frolic. Above all, frolic (cilorf, spelled backwards). One can never frolic enough. However, if one grows tired of frolicking one can always cavort, for a change of pace. I have been feeling very stressed lately (so much to do, so little time, especially for frolicking or cavorting). What I like to do if I'm feeling stressed is eat many and varied desserts. Yes, desserts, dear readers, they are the antidote to being stressed. After all, what is "stressed" but "desserts" spelled backwards? Speaking of desserts and the 4th of July weekend, there's one more celebration that I haven't mentioned yet. What is that celebration you might ask and I might tell you because frankly I don't want you being stressed so that you have to eat many and varied desserts and then put on weight which will just make you more stressed and whoa Nellie if this hasn't turned into one of those ungainly run-on sentences where the words just tumble one after another willy-nilly and also nilly-willy with no end in sight and if I can't find a way to stop this whole column could turn into one long run-on sentence and then where would we be that's what I'd like to know and actually I do know because I am an expert on run-on sentences and there is only one way to stop them and that's by putting on the run-on sentence brakes which I fully intend to do right about now. Whew. Do you know what, dear readers? My brilliant handy-dandy computer just told me I wrote a run-on sentence. What the hell was I talking about? Oh, yes, the 4th of July weekend and the other event that was cause for celebration. And that event, dear readers, was the actual birthday of the actual Mr. Mark Bakalor. Yes, Mr. Mark Bakalor is no longer the sprig of a twig of a youth that he was. He is now an adult. Being an adult, he is also now living in his very own home, sans parents. He can now do impulsive things like throwing strawberries at the wall without fear of parental reprisal. Or is it reprisal parental? No matter, fling those strawberries against the wall he can and there is no one to say "boo" to him about it, unless someone just happens to show up at his door saying "boo" which would be a hell of a coincidence, flinging strawberry-wise. You know, there is a word we haven't used in quite awhile, but I feel we should use it now because it so encapsulates and captures the entire paragraph that I've just written. And that word is drivel, dear readers. Drivel, pure and simple. Every word, every sentence, drivel personified. In any case, perhaps the next paragraph will be better - perhaps the next paragraph will provide us with some intellectual stimuli or stimulus or whatever the hell stim it is.