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[Ben]

Page Trois

[Dan (the Man)]

...and the blind doctor says, "Well, I can save your feet but I'm afraid that other leg has to go!"

[JoseSPiano]

Good Morning!

I'm up...

[JoseSPiano]

Good Afternoon!

I'm up...

[JoseSPiano]

And since I never made it back online last night...

Good Evening!

[Jane]

Words of wisdom from Gabe department:

He's writing a report about my Dad.  The opening paragraph, in part: "Meyer Kauffman persevered through all of the things life threw at him.  He went through WWII, got shot twice and survived.  He had three kids and survived." 

This is so funny & cute  I shared it with Keith & laughed again with him.

[JoseSPiano]

And oldie but a goodie:

You're in a room with Attila the Hun, Hitler and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

You have a gun.

There are only two bullets in the gun.

What do you do?





...wait for it...





Shoot Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber twice.

[Dan (the Man)]

"Hey, Luigi!  I heard-a your sister had a baby!"

"Well, you heard-a wrong!  She's had-a two babies!  A girl and a boy!"

"That's exciting news!  Whaddya call the girl?"

"Denise!"

"And whaddya call the boy?"

"The nephew!"

[Jane]

Jennifer, I didn’t dislike “Up in the Air”, just didn’t see what all the fuss was about.  I think you will enjoy most of it.

Last night we watched “Departures” which won last year’s Oscar for best foreign film.  I would have given it the Oscar for BEST movie award.   I thought the actor in the lead also deserved the best actor award.  When I looked him up he won numerous “Asian” awards for best actor, not only for Departures but two other films.  If you have trouble reading subtitles this movie moves at a slower pace.  Many of the most moving moments in the film have very little dialogue.

[Jane]

George, your new shelves look nice.  I like the color of the wall paint, and black kitty in the front makes a nice contrast.  Enjoy your 1st rehearsal.

[Dan (the Man)]

Two firemen chat on the firetruck on the way to a fire...

"Hey, Fred--I heard your wife had twins last night."

"That's right.  She had a boy and a girl."

"What's the boy's name?"

"Jose."

"And what's the girl's name?"

"Hose B."

[Jane]

From Cilla:

Don't know if it's been mentioned but Peter Graves has passed away

http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/TV/03/14/obit.peter.graves/index.html?hpt=T1

I completely agree his comments regarding the 1st “mission impossible” movie.  Graves should have been in it & Phelps name should not have been used.  I can understand his disappointment.

I read this tribute to Peter Graves, http://watching-tv.ew.com/2010/03/15/peter-graves-obit-mission-impossible/ with videos, including the opening of “Whiplash”  Does anyone remember Whiplash?  Unfortunately it didn't have one of "Fury".

[Jrand73]

LOL DtM!

[Dan (the Man)]

A Mother Superior of a convent was sitting at her desk when her assistant came rushing into her office.  Closing the office door, the assistant solemnly announced "Mother Superior, I have news..."

"Well, what is it?" asked the head nun.

The assistant approached Mother Superior's desk, bowed her head close and whispered, "A case of Syphilis has been found among the sisters!"

"Oh, thank goodness!" exclaimed Mother Superior.  "I was getting sick of the Chablis!"

[JoseSPiano]

And here's a variation on a theme, so to speak...

Two women are sitting on a park bench talking about their past loves.

"And how many times were you married?"

-I've had three husbands.

"Three? What were they like in bed?

-Well, the first one was a psychiatrist. All he ever did was talk about it."

"That's too bad."

-And the second one was a gynecologist. All he ever did was look at it.

"And the third one?"

-Well, he was a stamp collector... God, I miss him.

[JoseSPiano]

In other news...

Rumor(?) has it that there's a Blu-Ray player at Target available for only $70 now.

[JoseSPiano]

And now I need to get ready for a meeting/rehearsal.

Laters...

[Druxy]

Shakespeare was walking the streets of London when he momentarily caught his cloak on a passing peddlar's cart.  He was worried he might have snagged a hole in it.  He encountered Ben Jonson at that moment and asked his fellow playwright to check  the back of his cloak and see if it had any tears.  Jonson inspected the cloak and replied, "No holes, Bard."

I'm sorry, but I have no choice but to offer this universal

G R O A N

on behalf of everyone who may get comfort in the
knowledge that someone else has done it for them.

(Inspired by DR CPogue's "no holes, Bard" punch line which,
I'm certain,  will be surpassed by day's end.)

Yes, I resisted the temptation on that one.

 

[Druxy]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "

And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Hey, I just ran this joke in my blog last week.

[Druxy]

Here's one that I'm sure y'all heard before in one form or another:

So when Gower Champion died, he found himself at the Pearly Gates and greeted by St. Peter.

"Mr. Champion, welcome to Heaven!" said St. Peter excitedly.  "God has been a longtime fan of your work!  In fact, now that you're here, He wants to produce His first musical and He wants you to direct it!"

Gower Champion shook his head and said "Well, I'm very honored, but I've just come off mounting the work of my career and I'm very tired.  I really would like to just sit back and enjoy my eternal rest."

"But, Gower," exclaimed St. Peter, "think of the people you have to work with here!  You can have Michaelangelo do your sets and Coco Channel your costumes!"

Again Gower Champion shook his head no.  "That sounds very interesting, but I really don't have it in me right now..."

St. Peter would not take no for an answer.  "But just think of your choice of composers!  George Gershwin! Oscar Hammerstein!  Maybe even Mozart!  And Gower--how about a book from William Shakespeare?"

Gower smiled at this. "Wow!  That would be quite a creative team there.  But, please, I just need to--"

"Gower, Gower, Gower--think of the stars at your disposal!  Gertrude Lawrence! Zero Mostel! Bill “Bojangles” Robinson!" 

Now a fire lit in Gower Champion's eyes as the possibilities began to flood his brain.  The opportunity to work with some of the greatest performers of all time was too great to pass up.

"That would be wonderful!"  said Gower.  "Okay, I'll do it!  When does God want to start?"

St. Peter replied "Right away!  There's just one thing though... God has this girlfriend..."

I'd forgotten this one.  Love this joke.  I used to tell it all the time.

 

[Jrand73]

Gower Champion was trying to teach Ginger Rogers the dances for HELLO, DOLLY! when she took over the show on Broadway.

He left the theatre in a fury - and met Hermes Pan on the street.

Gower said:  "Hermes, why didn't you tell me?"

Hermes answered: "Gower, I thought you knew!"

[Jeanne]

Hello, everyone.

I'm enjoying today's jokes.

[Jeanne]

I am also waiting for the plumber.

[Jrand73]

Policeman in squad car chasing a blonde going at high speed.

She doesn't stop, so he hollers out the bullhorn:  "Pullover!"

Blonde yells out the window:  "No.  It's a cardigan!"

[Jeanne]

Oy! such jokes!

(I'm laughing, though.)

[Jeanne]

Plumber has come and gone. He fixed one thing, but told me something else needs to be fixed. Much like my dentist.

[Jeanne]

George, I enjoyed seeing your shelves. I'm sure you'll be pleased to have your DVD collection nicely organized. Won't your mother be impressed!

Your cat's name is Ebony? She's a darling.

[Jeanne]

I really must get some work done.


TTFN.

[Dan (the Man)]

Here's one that I'm sure y'all heard before in one form or another:

So when Gower Champion died, he found himself at the Pearly Gates and greeted by St. Peter.

"Mr. Champion, welcome to Heaven!" said St. Peter excitedly.  "God has been a longtime fan of your work!  In fact, now that you're here, He wants to produce His first musical and He wants you to direct it!"

Gower Champion shook his head and said "Well, I'm very honored, but I've just come off mounting the work of my career and I'm very tired.  I really would like to just sit back and enjoy my eternal rest."

"But, Gower," exclaimed St. Peter, "think of the people you have to work with here!  You can have Michaelangelo do your sets and Coco Channel your costumes!"

Again Gower Champion shook his head no.  "That sounds very interesting, but I really don't have it in me right now..."

St. Peter would not take no for an answer.  "But just think of your choice of composers!  George Gershwin! Oscar Hammerstein!  Maybe even Mozart!  And Gower--how about a book from William Shakespeare?"

Gower smiled at this. "Wow!  That would be quite a creative team there.  But, please, I just need to--"

"Gower, Gower, Gower--think of the stars at your disposal!  Gertrude Lawrence! Zero Mostel! Bill “Bojangles” Robinson!" 

Now a fire lit in Gower Champion's eyes as the possibilities began to flood his brain.  The opportunity to work with some of the greatest performers of all time was too great to pass up.

"That would be wonderful!"  said Gower.  "Okay, I'll do it!  When does God want to start?"

St. Peter replied "Right away!  There's just one thing though... God has this girlfriend..."

I'd forgotten this one.  Love this joke.  I used to tell it all the time.

 

Isn't there a book that has the punchline as a title?

[Dan (the Man)]

Grrrrrr...

For the second time, I've accidently learned who got eliminated on THE AMAZIN' RACE just by looking at the Comcast.net home page.

Grrrrrrrrr...