Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not
switch positions with each other so there are still
two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than
you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at
videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob, or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered. In
addition, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kissing me, then go smell the
other dogs or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you, I have posted the following message on
our front door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to
complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, and are easier to
train. They usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't
drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest
fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the results.
