Well, dear readers, fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy notes and before these here notes are through, you WILL be shouting mayday, mayday. What the HELL am I talking about? Well, let me tell you, let me regale you with the tale of a motion picture so bad that my mouth was agape from start to finish – at the ten-minute mark I began to get angry, at the thirty minute mark I was ready to throw the six remote control units on the coffee table at the TV, at the forty minute mark I began to wonder aloud how much money the film’s once-known star got paid, at the sixty-one minute mark the turbulence was unbearable and yet, and yet, I had to, I had to stick it out until the very end, and at the seventy-two minute mark we landed as the credits began to roll and I had some chips and guacamole. I am loathe, oh, yes, I am loathe to even tell you the title of this motion picture but I am going to because this is your assignment – every dear reader must watch this motion picture, which is free on Amazon Prime because no one in their right mind would pay to see it. I want to know what you think, and it should make for some lively reading. But let me give you a little preview of coming attractions: The film is entitled Mayday, and it supposedly came out in 2019, although it’s hard to imagine this film was made in 2019. Imagine if you will a film with one set (there are a couple of model airplane shots and a plane landing and taking off shots), perhaps the single worst interior of a plane set in history, a set that would be barely passable on one of those prank YouTube videos. Imagine a company like Lionsgate actually releasing this on DVD. Imagine a Plan Nine from Outer Space for the 2020s. Imagine a once well thought of actor named Michael Pare, who will now make any movie at all as long as they pay his price but given this film that price must be very reasonable. Last year alone, Mr. Pare starred in ten movies, none of which you’ve heard of. Imagine the rest of the cast, filled with the worst actors to ever appear on DVD. Imagine a so-called script that makes an Ed Wood script seem like it was written by Ernest Hemingway and imagine a director who makes Ed Wood look like David Lean. This is, in other words, a must-see motion picture. You must see it, and then we must have ten pages of postings about it. I cannot even begin to imagine what this thing cost, but if it was over 25K I’d be very surprised. The only information I can find on the director, Massimilano Cerchi is that his cousin is Michael Cimino and he doesn’t eat cheese. I kid you not. I suppose he likes to put all the cheese on the screen. He has apparently directed seventeen motion pictures, none of which you’ve heard of. The screenwriter, Rod Smith, has written three screenplays, all of which were directed by – Massimilano Cerci. You know what you have to do, so do it and I guarantee you, you, too, will be shouting MAYDAY! MAYDAY!
I also did watch Black Bag again and it’s pretty good – the screenplay is dialogue heavy, and as I said it feels like a very 1960s thing. In fact, the score by David Holmes, which isn’t brilliant, in the 60s would have been written by John Barry. Actors are all very good and the film looks great. I’d wait until it was free on one of the streaming services, which it will be. Prior to all that, I got nine hours of sleep, had a Chinese chicken salad from Stanley’s – very good and light – cast another young person (one more to go), did some things that needed doing, dozed off for a bit, and then watched the two motion pictures.
Today, I’ll be up when I’m up, I’ll do whatever needs doing, I’ll try to cast the final young person, I’ll begin choosing songs for our returning young people, the ones who’ve done the show before and whose voices I know well, I’ll pray for a modern major miracle, I’ll eat something at some point, and then at some point I’ll watch, listen, and relax.
Not sure what’s happening over the weekend but I suppose I’ll find out in due time.
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must, for example, be up when I’m up, do whatever needs doing, cast the last young person, begin choosing songs, pray for a modern major miracle, eat, and then watch, listen, and relax. Today’s topic of discussion: What are your all-time favorite overtly awful motion pictures? Let’s have loads of lovely postings, shall we, whilst I hit the road to dreamland, where I will hopefully not shout the words MAYDAY! MAYDAY!