Haines His Way

More men turning to implants for chests of gold

Edward Guthmann, Chronicle Staff Writer

The poster boy in the Abercrombie & Fitch window looks like Huck Finn, if Huck were genetically engineered with "Say howdy!" nipples and perfectly symmetrical, squared-off pecs. In "300," last year's cartoonish gladiator epic, the actors looked so exaggerated, so cyborg-like in their soccer-star thighs, ripped abs and shield-like chests, that they all seemed airbrushed.
The list goes on: the ultra-reconditioned Brad Pitt in "Troy," Daniel Craig in tight trunks in "Casino Royale," that buck-naked beauty in the steamy Dolce & Gabbana magazine ad.

Is anybody just average-looking anymore? In a culture that enshrines physical perfection and makes the Philip Seymour Hoffmans among us feel homely and inadequate, more men are attempting impossible goals. Most do it through weightlifting and dieting. Some men are driven to steroids, human growth hormone and plastic surgery if those other methods fail.

"Location is everything," says Bill Hayes, a lifelong bodybuilder and writer on health and medical issues ("The Anatomist"). "And in the landscape of the body, the chest is prime territory. Think about it: It's at the top of the trunk; it protects and covers the heart and lungs. It's a great spot for a head to rest on."

More and more often, when men don't achieve results through weightlifting and exercise, they compensate with cosmetic surgery. Pectoral implants, although still a niche product, are growing in popularity: 409 procedures were performed in 2006, according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, a 99 percent increase over the year before.

DR Ben's and DR Julie's recent reports of computer "meltdowns" spurred me to go out at lunch today and purchase an external backup drive for my PC at home.

DR CILLA LIZ has declared a snow day!!!

I called DR elmore before going into the office, and, unfortunately, it seems that over the course of the past couple of hours, his body was telling him "Honey, it ain't over yet."  So...

He's cancelled the exterminator appointment for tomorrow, however, he has decided to call in a maid service for later in the week to take care of the rest of the pre-extermination cleaning.  In the meantime, he's taking it easy.  -And he's still without a computer since it's down at his office.

I may stop by later this afternoon (with my laptop) to check in on him personally, and I will be sure to pass on everyone's Vibes and Well Wishes.

I keep saying DR JoseSPiano has to write a book documenting all these experiences.  Or at least a weblog.  

And as for the brief audition session I played this morning...  Well...

I'm guessing the strange, frustrating dreams I had last night were a harbinger of what I was going to experience this morning.  If I shared the details with you, it would sound like a very "plain" audition.  However, it was far from plain.

There are truly some things that one can not explain.  There are things that defy explanation.  And there are still other things that are probably left better unexplained.  And this morning was all that, and more!

So, instead of sharing the details of the actual audition, I shall share with you my reactions to the audition-

-Where's the camera?  Seriously, where the camera?!?!?

-I am not going to look at the casting director, I am not going to look at the casting director...

-Oh, no!  Did I just laugh out loud?

-Is my smile too big?

-Oh... She writes her own songs...

And then upon exiting the room, I literally fell on the floor and went into the fetal position since it was the only way I could stifle my laughter and shock.  Needless to say, the rest of the staff - who could hear the audition through the door - understood my reaction.   And they all wanted to know what happened in there.  Well...

A few moments after I got up off the floor, the "group" came out of the room... Whew! They didn't see me!  And the "smiling" started all over again.  Alas, we kept getting the "Not yet" signal from the receptionist since the "group" was taking their time getting their coats on in the lobby area. Then after a few knowing glances, I headed out - past the "group"... to the elevators... down to the street... outside the building... walked over two avenues and up three streets...  And Laughed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I still have a bit of that goofy grin on my face almost two hours later.

Did you ever have a guy who sang "Born to be Wild" (no chart, natch) and kept sniffing his pits the whole time?  I did.  

And I've just applied a HEAP o' VEND-A-SCENT!