Topic: HOARY JOKES (Read 43660 times)

bk · « **on:** June 11, 2013, 01:27:47 AM »

Well, you've read the notes, the notes were hoary and a joke, and now it is time for you to post until the hoary cows come home.

bk · « **Reply #1 on:** June 11, 2013, 01:28:21 AM »

And the word of the day is: HOISE!

bk · « **Reply #2 on:** June 11, 2013, 01:28:32 AM »

Hoise is like a Jerry Lewis word.

bk · « **Reply #3 on:** June 11, 2013, 01:28:52 AM »

How much do I love the ability to put stuff in the notes, like today's video.

bk · « **Reply #4 on:** June 11, 2013, 01:33:00 AM »

Guy goes into a bar and sits down. Orders a drink, which the bartender brings to him along with a bowl of nuts. Guy takes a drink, then hears, "Hey, lookin' good today." He looks around and there's no one seated hear him and he's trying to figure out where it came from. Takes another drink. Hears, "Nice suit, looks really good on you." Looks around - no one. He's now going a little crazy so he takes another sip, then hears, "That hair cut is really perfect, you look amazing." He calls the bartender over and says, "What's going on here - I keep hearing a voice telling me all these nice things, but I don't see who's talking." Bartender looks at him and says, "Oh, that's the nuts, they're complimentary."

bk · « **Reply #5 on:** June 11, 2013, 01:34:00 AM »

What about those smart cars? They're so small that I stuck out my hand to make a left turn and two of them ran up my sleeve.

singdaw · « **Reply #6 on:** June 11, 2013, 02:21:51 AM »

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-Flat leaves and C and G have as open 5th between them. After a few drinks the 5th is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,*Excuse me, I'll just be a second"An A comes into the bar but the bartender is not convinced this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-Flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in the bar tonight."
The E-Flat is not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.
The bartender who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized, says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in!
This could be a major development." This proves to be the case as the E-Flat takes off the suit and everything else and stands there au natural.Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror he is under a rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor,
and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrong doing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

FJL · « **Reply #7 on:** June 11, 2013, 02:28:02 AM »

BK - If the email you talk about was mine, I think I found the problem I was having with my settings. Sorry to alarm you, it's all resolved, or at least I get how access is getting to my account - as silly as it's been that anyone from the civil rights case cares what I post here.

I'll just make sure my password is more unique to here,

FJL · « **Reply #8 on:** June 11, 2013, 02:28:54 AM »

i'll just talk about three things - the weather, everybody's wealth and politics.

FJL · « **Reply #9 on:** June 11, 2013, 02:34:02 AM »

I took down some posts yesterday that seem to be inflammatory in retrospect. Sorry if the paging got thrown off last night.

Ben · « **Reply #10 on:** June 11, 2013, 02:51:47 AM »

Morning all.

That is all.

FJL · « **Reply #11 on:** June 11, 2013, 02:53:04 AM »

I must say that whoever predicted when they saw "Larry Kramer getting honorary Tony" a few weeks ago, that he'd find something to be royally upset about got their predcition coming true beyond belief.

So an ancient one-liner cut from "I Never Miss a Larry Kramer Musical" [a Bette Midler-Lost Horizon reference]

Larry Kramer walks into a bar, screams at the bar for getting in his way.

FJL · « **Reply #12 on:** June 11, 2013, 02:55:18 AM »

Director says to Larry Kramer, "The invisible man is here to audition."
Larry Kramer: "Tell him i can't see him."

I think that's Henny Youngman, circa 1045.

FJL · « **Reply #13 on:** June 11, 2013, 02:55:53 AM »

I went on a diet last week, so far i've lost seven days.

Michael · « **Reply #14 on:** June 11, 2013, 03:46:09 AM »

Good morning to all

Michael · « **Reply #15 on:** June 11, 2013, 03:49:30 AM »

I had the opportunity to work with Henny Youngman once in the the late 70's on a Canadian TV series. The premise of the sketch was that he could make anyone a comedian. He would give the setup line and I would give the punchline. So this is what I did.

Henny: I gave my wife plastic surgery for her birthday.
Me: I cut up her credit cards.

Michael · « **Reply #16 on:** June 11, 2013, 03:53:31 AM »

She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

Michael · « **Reply #17 on:** June 11, 2013, 03:53:59 AM »

What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
Pick a cod, any cod!

Michael · « **Reply #18 on:** June 11, 2013, 03:55:04 AM »

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
A barber.

Michael · « **Reply #19 on:** June 11, 2013, 03:56:16 AM »

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Michael · « **Reply #20 on:** June 11, 2013, 03:57:05 AM »

Why does Piglet smell?
Because he plays with Pooh.

Michael · « **Reply #21 on:** June 11, 2013, 03:57:48 AM »

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Soup.
Soup who?
Superman!

Michael · « **Reply #22 on:** June 11, 2013, 03:58:55 AM »

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Lyndon
Lyndon who?
Lyndon Bridge is falling down

Michael · « **Reply #23 on:** June 11, 2013, 04:00:29 AM »

A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum.
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one hell of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

Michael · « **Reply #24 on:** June 11, 2013, 04:02:43 AM »

A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch.
He picks it up and throws it across the street.
A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.
The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was *that* all about?"

Michael · « **Reply #25 on:** June 11, 2013, 04:03:30 AM »

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
Noah sat on the deck.

Michael · « **Reply #26 on:** June 11, 2013, 04:03:51 AM »

When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.

Michael · « **Reply #27 on:** June 11, 2013, 04:10:56 AM »

And some Henny Youngman jokes

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

singdaw · « **Reply #28 on:** June 11, 2013, 04:13:09 AM »

Accidentally dropping the freshly washed and dried laundry into the dog's water dish: priceless.

elmore3003 · « **Reply #29 on:** June 11, 2013, 04:47:05 AM »

Good morning, all! I am off to Toyland to edit a Jerome Moross orchestra score for his Ballet Ballad "Susanna and the Elders."

Hopefully I can get back to ROBERTA tomorrow, but the June job is primarily the Moross score.

DR Ben, I'm sorry Anthony's birthday was a really rainy day. How did it go?

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Author Topic: HOARY JOKES (Read 43660 times)

FJL

FJL

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Ben

FJL

FJL

FJL