NEW LIVING WILL FOR JOHN DOE
I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer and the score of the Red Sox game, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children, and/or attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. If they won't do it, go out on the street and get some random passerby or wino.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency; they should play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma. It just goes to show you how sick you have to be in this country to get Congress to pay attention to your health care.
I couldn't care less if a hundred thousand religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me or demonstrate outside my hospital with their bleeding Jesuses and sandwiches with Mary's face on them. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. And the Pope should mind his own friggin' business, too.
And if any of my family goes against my wishes and tries to turn my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.
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Signature
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Witness
