Well, dear readers, I’ve decided that we should sell Ginsu knives and Chia pets here at haineshiway.com. Don’t you think that would be a fine idea? And if one were to purchase the Ginsu knives we could, for example, throw in a complete set of Dean Martin Roast videos, free of charge. And if one were, for example, to buy a Chia pet, we would throw in a free Chop-o-Matic. Yes, I think this is a fine idea. We could sell the Guy Haines Grill. We could sell a two CD set of favorite mambos by Tito Puente, Lester Lanin, and Rene and his Pachanga Orchestra. I’m loving this idea, aren’t you? We could sell the special Guy Haines Miracle Spray for covering up those embarrassing bald spots. We’ll deliver COD or you may charge it on your Diner’s Club card. I think it will surprise no one when I say that I have not one single clew as to what the hell I’m going on about. I just started typing and this is what came out. One never knows what’s going to come out, and that’s part of the fun. But Chia pets and Ginsu knives? I ask you. Speaking of Ginsu knives, I had an interesting day yesterday. I received many packages containing many DVDs. I did a spot of work, and answered quite a backlog of e-mails. The director of that little movie I have a cameo in dropped by with a DVD of a production trailer. He’s still got quite a bit of the movie to shoot, but it was fun to see some of the footage. I’m in the trailer briefly, one line, but I’m most amusing. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?
Last night I watched several DVDs. First, I finished watching a motion picture entitled Closer. All during the first third I kept thinking that I somehow knew the story, and then I realized I’d seen the play five years ago at the Mark Taper Forum. I remember not being all that in love with the play or the production (which starred Rebecca de Mornay). The film version moves along just fine, but the writing is very arch and theatrical, and I just found that I never really got involved. The actors were okay – I always enjoy Miss Natalie Portman, although I didn’t “buy” her scenes at the strip club at all. It was like some junior high school girl trying to act all stripper like. Jude Law was fine, as was Julia Roberts, and the other fellow, whose name escapes me, was okay, too. But, it just doesn’t really work as a film, and I found my attention wandering during many of the scenes. It’s ultimately not about much of anything, and the big lesson learned seems to be that lying is sometimes better than telling the truth. Mike Nichols’ last few films just haven’t interested me very much – in fact, I think the last Mike Nichols film that interested me was Day of the Dolphin. He was an interesting filmmaker back then. Now he seems to be just one of the crowd of faceless directors churning out faceless films. I then watched a Hong Kong musical, one of the six that arrived. I started with one of the early ones from 1960. The film is entitled Les Belles. Filmed in glorious Eastman color and ShawScope, the film simply isn’t very good. The box proclaims that it set the bar for Hong Kong musicals – it was a big hit, and one of the best up until that point. I would hate to see the worst if this is one of the best. First of all, all the musical numbers take place “on stage” – there are no plot songs. Second, the dancers are so inept it’s actually laughable – very few of them are ever together, and the steps they’re doing are so random it makes no sense. The plot is standard issue Shop Around the Corner stuff, and it all plods along at a very long 125 minutes. I was beginning to think this Hong Kong musicals thing was going to be a bust, but then I watched Hong Kong Nocturne from 1968. What a difference. I do think these films sound like more fun than they actually are. But Hong Kong Nocturne (interestingly, directed by a Japanese rather than Chinese director) is visually interesting; it’s like Ross Hunter and Vincente Minnelli having a bad acid trip. Garish colors, lavish sets, goofy plot. There are both “on stage” and plot songs, and they’re much better here than in Les Belles. The dancing is also much better, although nothing reaches the giddy heights of Bollywood’s Gumnaam. There is one number that comes close, though, called A Go-Go. It’s classic sixties, with lots of frug, swim, and pony dancing. It’s still quite long (122 minutes). Interestingly, Hong Kong Nocturne, while properly letterboxed, is not enhanced for widescreen TVs. However, it looks great, with vivid sharp colors. Les Belles is enhanced for widescreen TVs, but the colors are limp, the picture soft, and the sound is completely out of phase. So, thus far I’d recommend Hong Kong Nocturne. I’ll be watching more today and will report on them.
What am I, the Chinese Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because I have some very exciting offers for you.
Yes, I have exciting offers for you. You can get a complete set of Ginsu knives right here at haineshisway.com. These knives slice, dice, cut vegetables, meat, potatoes, fingers, packages, and any number of other things. They’re always sharp – you’ll never find a dull edge on our famous Ginsu knives. Only six payments of $19.95. If you order within the next five minutes we will throw in a complete set of the Dean Martin Roast videotapes absolutely free of charge. That’s two great tapes featuring all the great roasts. And you can use your Ginsu knives to slice the roasts. Call now – 888 555-5555. Operators are waiting to take your order. Only a limited number of Ginsu knives are available so don’t delay. And now, back to our regularly scheduled notes.
I’m sincerely hoping that the other package, which should have already arrived, will arrive today. I’ll also be picking up my two auction wins this morning and will have a full report when I get them back to the home environment. Then, later in the afternoon I’ll be spending a couple of hours with Mr. Kevin Spirtas, working on his show.
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must do a spot of work, I must drive about in my motor car picking up various and sundried things, I must rehearse, and then I must find something interesting to sup on. Today’s topic of discussion: What are your all-time favorite TV advertisements – both regular commercials and those Ginsu-type adverts where you have to call in to order something. Let’s have lots of details, shall we? I know it’s Ask BK Day, but I’m moving that until tomorrow, because I love this topic. Let’s have loads of lovely postings, shall we? And don’t forget to order your set of Ginsu knives and the Dean Martin Roasts today.