Well, dear readers, as one ponders the imponderables as one occasionally does, I being the one and the one being I, I did something I can’t recall ever doing before – I pondered THIS imponderable – the what ifs of life. You know, what if this had happened, what would life have been like. And I’ve had many of those, dear readers, many, many, many of those, as I’m sure everyone has. Of course, to ponder the what ifs of life is a fool’s game but sometimes one is a fool, I suppose. I’m not even talking about the choices we make, I’m talking about the choices or events we have no control over. What the HELL am I talking about? Well, let’s go back to the very beginning of my career, for example. The first what if is my being lucky enough to test for a Warner Bros. pilot just before I got my first actual guest shot on The Young Lawyers. The test came down to me and one other and the one other got it. But what if I’d gotten it? Might the pilot have sold? Might the show have been a hit? How would my life have gone if that happened? Right after The Young Lawyers, I got a CBS pilot. It was a show ahead of its time, really – think Friends – with a really fine cast of young actors all living in the same apartment building. When you do a pilot, they make the deal for seven years, so in addition to what you make on the pilot, you also know what you’re per show salary will be for the next seven years, should the show last that long. The network could not have been higher on the show. We all got letters from CBS telling us how much they loved it. They didn’t green light the series, instead going with a perfectly horrid show called The Chicago Teddy Bears starring, of all people, Art Metrano. It was one of the eight lowest rated shows of the season and lasted only thirteen episodes. I truly believe our show would have caught on. So, what if that had happened? I would have been making $7,500 per episode. In today’s dollars that would be over $50,000 per episode. And of course, there were salary bumps for all seven years. If the show had run only the same as The Chicago Teddy Bears, I’d have been pretty well off for the next few years. Had it been a hit, who knows where my life would have gone? But that’s a two-way street, of course. Would I have made The First Nudie Musical? Doubtful. Would I have done lots of other work – TV movies, variety shows – of course.
Then let’s jump ahead two years. I get cast in Forget-Me-Not Lane at the Mark Taper Forum. It’s a huge hit there, with almost all rave reviews. There is much talk about Broadway for the following season. Everyone is telling us to be prepared. The sticking point? It’s a long play and the producers would like the playwright to cut twenty minutes. He won’t. We don’t go to Broadway, although I do end up filming it for PBS. But had it gone to Broadway, what would that have opened up for me? Would I have gotten other Broadway shows? Musicals? See what I mean? This way madness lies. 1975 – what if The First Nudie Musical had been a big hit rather than a cult film? What if Laverne and Shirley hadn’t gone to series and Paramount really was behind the film 100% as they were up until Laverne and Shirley went on the air. Would I have immediately gotten a deal to do other films – you know, there’s Mel, there’s Woody, and there’s you? Would I have become a successful film director and movie actor? Well, Laverne and Shirley did go on the air, Paramount didn’t push the film, and Saturday Night Live began, with someone on that show who looked rather like me. Had I had the major movie career that Nudie Musical should have bought me, would I have gotten the films he did? Who knows? This way madness lies.
One year later: I get Tabitha. Everyone loves the show. We don’t sell. My deal on that show would have made me rich, had we sold and been a hit. They passed on the pilot. When they redid it with other actors it sold but ran only eleven episodes. The character dynamic in our pilot was MUCH better and I think we would have caught on. Who knows? What if? A few months later, I’m a regular on the summer replacement series, Dinah and Her New Best Friends. Good money, but it was so bad that it never had a chance to survive that summer – what if it had actually been good? Would CBS have made it a regular series and what would THAT have meant, career-wise. The following year, I get the co-lead in a TV movie/pilot for series, called The Adventures of Freddie. As with Tabitha, I’m the first person cast. They can’t find a Freddie (I played his best friend – second billed), so they even have me test for it, but I’m kind of perfect for my role. They end up going with Michael Burns, who starred in the CBS pilot way back in 1971. We have great chemistry and a fine director in Hy Averback. The table reading is great. They keep pushing my first day of shooting because things are going slowly. After three days, I finally am up and we travel to wherever the location was. They never get to my scenes and the push another two days. My Darling Daughter, who I love more than anything, has just had the chicken pox. Apparently, I’ve never had it and I wake up with spots on my arms and hands. I have it. We tell the producers. They decide to move all my scenes to the end of the shoot. But I have a horrible case. I’m over it in a week-and-a-half so I can definitely shoot my scenes, but my face looks like a battlefield. They bring me in to see Bud Westmore, one of the great makeup men. He takes one look at me and says no way. They replace me with another actor who has no chemistry with anyone. The show doesn’t sell. I know my agents asked for me to be paid anyway, but why should they do that? They don’t. I was to be paid $12,500 for the pilot – in today’s dollars that would be over 60K in today’s dollars. Would the show have sold with me in it – I’d like to think so, simply because Michael and I really had great chemistry. Had it gone to series, I would have made 15K per episode and was guaranteed all episodes, with great salary bumps. Even if it was one season, I would have been rich. Alas. The kicker is that whenever this thing was shown on TV (remember, it was a TV movie), retitled The Mystical Magical Magnet of Santa Mesa, my name was listed in the TV Guide, not the actor who replaced me. The canker gnaws.
Then we move on to The Creature Wasn’t Nice. Amazing cast. We’re all on a favored nations deal, so I’m paid 50K. All good. Great dailies, wrong editor. We do the best we can to salvage what he’s done. But that’s not the problem. The problem is Airplane, which is so huge a hit that that is the only kind of comedy people want. They don’t care about characters, they want non-stop gags of every kind, no matter how silly. That kind of comedy goes on for several years and gives Leslie Nielsen a whole new career. Our poor movie is totally recut and never has a chance. But what if it had been a hit? What would my 1980s have looked like then? Any of those what ifs would have been life changers.
What if Varese Sarabande hadn’t let me go? We’d have owned Broadway cast albums and been the beneficiary of the big change when producers began to pay. And all those labels that copied the Fynsworth Alley business model probably wouldn’t have existed. What if I’d gone into business with people who weren’t the people I went into business with for that label? We would have owned Broadway cast albums. You all know THAT story. But if I HAD continued on there, would I have written Benjamin Kritzer. Had I not, there’d be no twenty-four books and I’d be a lesser person for that. What if I’d taken the first offer they made as a settlement? I was so angry and righteous that I refused to do so. Had I taken it, I’d still own all the classic art I had to sell, I’d still own the house I had to sell, and I would have had the 150K I spent defending myself for the frivolous lawsuit that we all ultimately walked away from because there was no way they’d ever win in a court of law.
That’s just a sampling. In the end, we’re dealt the cards we’re dealt. The good, the bad, and the ugly. But had things gone a different way on any of those occasions, it’s fascinating to ponder what might have been, what my world might have looked like. Where would my career have gone? What if it had gone to incredibly successful places? I would not have become a record producer, and I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. What if Varese had not been stupid? Well, I think that’s quite enough of pondering the imponderables of the what ifs of life.
Yesterday was yesterday. I did get eight hours of very good sleep, got up, had the irritating text I was expecting, answered e-mails, had many telephonic conversations, had Pad Thai for food, got some Diet Coke, but mostly I tried to relax and vacuum my brain, as we know work six days in a row. I watched half a motion picture entitled Phffft, starring Judy Holiday and Jack Lemmon, written by George Axelrod. And of course, I watched a few irritating videos on YouTube.
Today, I’ll be up when I’m up, I’ll do whatever needs doing, I’ll eat something, and then we have rehearsal at seven. After that, I’ll come home and relax.
The rest of the week is more of the same, some writing, meetings and meals, and whatever else needs doing.
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must, for example, be up when I’m up, do whatever needs doing, eat, rehearse, and relax. Today’s topic of discussion: What what ifs of life do you find interesting in your own lives? Let’s have loads of lovely postings, shall we, whilst I hit the road to dreamland, finding that pondering the what ifs of life is certainly interesting, but not something I’ll be doing again. Once was quite enough.