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Author Topic: THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE  (Read 52068 times)

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George

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #390 on: January 21, 2008, 11:44:23 PM »

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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Voldemort is basically a middle school girl: he has a locket, a diary, a tiara, a ring, and is completely obsessed with a teenage boy.

George

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #391 on: January 21, 2008, 11:45:52 PM »

Page 14 Kids Are Punny Dance!!



« Last Edit: January 21, 2008, 11:46:05 PM by George »
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JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #392 on: January 21, 2008, 11:47:04 PM »

What do you call a clairvoyant elf who just broke out of jail?

A small medium at large.
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JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #393 on: January 21, 2008, 11:48:05 PM »

Why was the teacher cross-eyed?


He couldn't control his pupils.
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George

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #394 on: January 21, 2008, 11:49:23 PM »

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
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Voldemort is basically a middle school girl: he has a locket, a diary, a tiara, a ring, and is completely obsessed with a teenage boy.

JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #395 on: January 21, 2008, 11:49:52 PM »

Two men were walking through the desert. They were nearly out of water when they saw three tents in the distance. The hurried over to see if they could get some water. In the first tent they were told, "I'm sorry we only have trifle." In the second tent, again, "I'm sorry we only have trifle." They went into the third tent and again asked for water only to be told, "I'm sorry we only sell trifle." As they walked on, one turned to the other and said, "That was a trifle bazaar."
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JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #396 on: January 21, 2008, 11:50:39 PM »

What did Tarzan shout when he saw the elephants coming up over the hill?


"Here come the elephants up over the hill!"
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JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #397 on: January 21, 2008, 11:50:51 PM »

I blame bk.
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George

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #398 on: January 21, 2008, 11:51:13 PM »

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
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Voldemort is basically a middle school girl: he has a locket, a diary, a tiara, a ring, and is completely obsessed with a teenage boy.

JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #399 on: January 21, 2008, 11:51:42 PM »

A man with a cucumber in his ear, a carrot in his nose, and a tomato in his eye walks into the doctor's office. He says, "Doc, I'm not feeling well. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "First of all, you're not eating right...."
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George

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #400 on: January 21, 2008, 11:52:34 PM »

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the witch doctor looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
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Voldemort is basically a middle school girl: he has a locket, a diary, a tiara, a ring, and is completely obsessed with a teenage boy.

JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #401 on: January 21, 2008, 11:53:34 PM »

What do you get when you play a country record backwards?


You get your girlfriend back.  You get your money back.  You get your truck back.  You get your dog back....
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George

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #402 on: January 21, 2008, 11:54:08 PM »

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
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Voldemort is basically a middle school girl: he has a locket, a diary, a tiara, a ring, and is completely obsessed with a teenage boy.

JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #403 on: January 21, 2008, 11:54:19 PM »

Did you hear Willie Nelson got run over?


He was playing on the road again.
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JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #404 on: January 21, 2008, 11:55:20 PM »

Reload this page for a new random joke.

#85

A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate that had been put in earlier was corroding. "What have you been eating?" the dentists asked the man.

"All I can think of is that about three months ago my wife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much, I put it on everything now."

"That's the problem," the dentist said, frowning. "Hollandaise sauce contains lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?"

"It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
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George

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #405 on: January 21, 2008, 11:55:27 PM »

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
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Voldemort is basically a middle school girl: he has a locket, a diary, a tiara, a ring, and is completely obsessed with a teenage boy.

JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #406 on: January 21, 2008, 11:56:41 PM »

Quadruplets: Four crying out loud.
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George

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #407 on: January 21, 2008, 11:58:36 PM »

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
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Voldemort is basically a middle school girl: he has a locket, a diary, a tiara, a ring, and is completely obsessed with a teenage boy.

JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #408 on: January 21, 2008, 11:58:53 PM »

How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume to create something tasty?


Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.
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George

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #409 on: January 21, 2008, 11:59:23 PM »

And the last one that I have:

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
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Voldemort is basically a middle school girl: he has a locket, a diary, a tiara, a ring, and is completely obsessed with a teenage boy.

JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #410 on: January 21, 2008, 11:59:52 PM »

What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor?


Make me one with everything.
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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #411 on: January 22, 2008, 12:00:53 AM »

And I know I've told this one before too, but...

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?


You can't make a "vita" "min".
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JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #412 on: January 22, 2008, 12:01:35 AM »

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #413 on: January 22, 2008, 12:04:16 AM »

A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #414 on: January 22, 2008, 12:05:03 AM »

There's a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is renowned for producing fine stationery. Anyway, Munich had a problem -- the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and overrunning the city. So the people of Munich banded together and ran the dogs out of the city. Unfortunately, the dogs appeared in Pfilzerplatz. The dogs took over everything, and the mayor decided to evacuate the town. The paper mills were shut down, and everyone left.

But a couple days later, the townsfolk, watching their town from the hills, saw smoke rising from the smokestacks. They knew no humans were left in the town, so they concluded that the dogs had learned to operate the factories.

The mayor hurried to Munich's town hall and pleaded, "You've got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"
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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #415 on: January 22, 2008, 12:05:23 AM »

Somebody stop me!
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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #416 on: January 22, 2008, 12:05:49 AM »

Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna's film Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy's sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."
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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #417 on: January 22, 2008, 12:06:32 AM »

A group of friars lived in a monastery. As with many monasteries, the friars found it necessary to run a small business to support themselves. They ran a floral shop. One day one of the friars brought in an exquisite find: a Venus fly trap. It was such a cute thing, they couldn't bear to sell it, so they just kept it on display. But after a while, it grew so big that flies were no longer enough to satisfy it. It ate cockroaches, but it kept growing. It ate mice, but it still kept growing. It ate chipmunks, squirrels, cats, then raccoons and dogs and ponies. Finally the villagers got wise to this and attempted to put a stop to it. But try as they might, no one could. One way or another, the friars outsmarted the townsfolk and raided their farms of large animals. Finally the villagers pooled their money and hired a professional named Hugh to come in and capture the friars. Hugh stormed the monastery, destroyed the fly trap, captured the friars, and turned them over to the police. The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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JoseSPiano

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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #418 on: January 22, 2008, 12:07:02 AM »

I'm a roll!

A kaiser, and it's stale too.
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Re:THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK LOOM LARGE
« Reply #419 on: January 22, 2008, 12:09:08 AM »

Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit a fire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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