Well, dear readers, here we are, on the first Monday in December. And an event-filled Monday it is. Why, you might ask, is it an event-filled Monday, and I might tell you why because why should I keep things from you? Today is an event-filled Monday because it’s the premiere of our very own brand spanking new handy-dandy The Broadway Radio Show with Donald Feltham. All you have to do to hear The Broadway Radio Show is to go over to what Mr. Mark Bakalor amusingly calls “the nav bar” and click on the unseemly radio show icon and voila, you will be whisked away to a magical page where you will click on something else and then after all that clicking, you will be treated to today’s special guest Miss Susan Egan. You will also hear several songs from Miss Susan Egan’s upcoming JAY Records album, which will not be released until next March.
The other event-filled Monday thing is… Oh, yes, I must tease. Have you ever wanted to be in Guy Haines’ shorts? Come on, admit it, you know you have. Well…
That was such a good tease that even I got hot and bothered and also bothered and hot. When Mr. Mark Bakalor told me yesterday that he’d designed fifteen products, the haineshisway.com line, I poo-pood him. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I poo-pood him and I poo-pood him loudly. If his name were Winnie, I would have pooh-poohd him, but that’s another story by A.A. Milne. I thought Mr. Mark Bakalor was having me on. Which is certainly better than having me off, but let’s not go there, shall we. But you know what? He was not having me on or off, he was telling the truth, by gum and by golly. He has indeed designed fifteen brand spanking new handy-dandy products, the haineshisway.com line and they are all available for purchasing right here at haineshisway.com. What wonderful and amusing gifts these will make. But before I go further, let me just state here and now and also now and here that we do not make money on these sales. Sure, we could jack up the prices, but we aren’t going to do that. We could also Norman up the prices, and frankly we thought about Normaning up the prices, but it seemed unseemly, hence we did not Norman or jack up the prices. We left those damn prices alone. These are quality items, and you can see them by going over to what Mr. Mark Bakalor amusingly calls “the nav bar” over on the left of what Mr. Mark Bakalor amusingly calls “the splash page”, or if you’re too lazy to go over to “the nav bar” then merely click this link and you will be whisked away to a magic land of products. Also, I should mention that if you order by five p.m. today you get free priority shipping. I tell you true, that I visited our store and bought one of everything (no, Virginia, I do not get free samples – I paid for every last item). I cannot wait for them to arrive, especially my very own pair of Guy Haines boxer shorts. We must all order them, so we can be in Mr. Haines’ shorts together. How sexy they are, what a turn-on they are. And how about that tank top? Hose me down, I’m hot as a fried egg in summer here.
Well, I didn’t mean for that to be such a long paragraph, and yet look at the size of that thing. That is a behemoth paragraph, a Giant Behemoth paragraph, and I deserve to be bitch-slapped for perpetrating such a paragraph on the public. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I am a public paragraph perp who must be stopped. I need to avoid the behemoth paragraph. I need to put the behemoth paragraph into a void. And then, we must avoid the void. Luckily, it’s easy to avoid the void by merely adding that unseemly “a” to the word “void”. Add the unseemly “a” and voila, no more void. And just what the hell is “voila”? First off, shouldn’t it be spelled “vwala”? Or, conversely, shouldn’t it be pronounced “voyla”?
Also, if you missed any of the unseemly weekend ramblings, merely press the Unseemly Archive Button located at the top of any page. I picked up a DVD yesterday whilst shopping at Tower Records in West Hollywood (where many of my friends live), one of those cheap $7.95 affairs of a movie you never heard of, a public domain title. It was one of those made for television movies from the seventies, called Satan’s School for Girls. I used to love all the ABC made for television movies from the seventies, hence the reason I bought said cheap DVD. Unlike today’s made for television movies, these were really good programmers, very well done, and a few of them are classics. Satan’s School for Girls is not one of the classics, but it’s fun in a cheesy way. It stars Kate Jackson and Cheryl Ladd, but more importantly, Pamela Franklin, who has always been one of my favorites ever since The Innocents. It has a really good musical score by the very underrated Laurance Rosenthal (he of The Miracle Worker and the Broadway musical, Sherry!), and Jo Van Fleet plays the “headmistress”. Since I have been intimately acquainted with someone I’m quite sure attended the Satan’s School for Girls, I found it a must have. Lousy transfer from a splicy 16mm print, but where else can you see these things? Now, if they’d only do some of my favorites, like Isn’t It Shocking? with Alan Alda and Louise Lasser, and the best of them all, A Cold Night’s Death starring Robert Culp and Eli Wallach. Others I remember enjoying were Brotherhood of The Bell, Brian’s Song, a Michael Crichton thriller I can’t remember the name of, and, of course, the most famous of them all, Mr. Spielberg’s Duel. In a way, television movies in those days were much more fun and even more adventurous (and I don’t mean in a “pushing the envelope” way). Same with movies. I’m afraid I just don’t care for many films or television movies these days.
I am going to be bitch-slapped twice in one day. Two behemoth paragraphs in one bk’s notes. How unseemly can you get. Isn’t that a song from Funny Lady? Just asking.
There, I compensated, and wrote a two-line paragraph, a baby paragraph, a teensy-weensy paragraph. Oh, I can’t wait for my Guy Haines boxer shorts to arrive. I’m drooling in anticipation. I don’t mean to keep harping on these products, but they are just so damn nifty. Have you ever harped on something? Can you also french horn on something? Can you viola on something? Why must it always be a damn harp? Do you think that when a viola player plays a killer viola solo they say “voila”? After all, viola is voila, with a slight rearrangement. Perhaps we’ll call Lanny Meyers to do the slight rearrangement, since he is an ace arranger.
We’re going to be adding more stuff to this website in the coming weeks, because we want this to be the most fun place on the entire internet. So, as I said yesterday (and will say tomorrow) you must tell your friends, we must spread the word like butter on corn-on-the-cob. We must shout it to the heaven’s above and we must make ourselves heard. After all, are we not Hainsies? If there can be Moonies there can be Hainsies and Hainsies can Moon with the best of them, especially in their Guy Haines boxer shorts. Yes, we must do everything in our collective power to make ourselves known far and wide, and hither, thither and yon.
Well, I do believe I have written enough notes for today. I must save some for tomorrow. There will be notes aplenty tomorrow, including some very interesting tidbits. Oh, yes, there will be some very interesting tidbits. Not merely bits, mind you, but bits with the added zing of tid.