Well, dear readers, it is time for me to begin doing my “thing” – that “thing” I do every New Year’s Eve. I hope all of you are celebrating, having safe and sound fun and most importantly I wish all loyal and true Hainsies a most excellent brand spanking new year. And so, as the clock strikes midnight tonight (and just what did midnight do to deserve to be struck?), let us all shout at the top of our lungs, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
I am giddy with celebrating, dear readers. I am sated, having eaten a plentiful supply of cheese slices and ham chunks, and I even splurged and sprayed some whipped cream down my throat. I’ve thrown confetti in the air and its landed on the floor. That’s gravity for you. What a splendid New Year’s Rockin’ Eve this is. I’ll be back for one more update in a little while and then we shall all shout as loud as we can (and we all know how loud Hainsies can shout) HAPPY NEW YEAR! Get ready.
Here is our first handy-dandy update. If you’ve just started reading these here notes, skip to the next paragraph, read them thoroughly, and then come back up here for the latest. I think I pulled something whilst trying to do the Limbo. Apparently, Jews of a certain age should not do the Limbo, they should sit on a couch like so much fish and eat their cheese slices and ham chunks (well, Jews should not eat ham chunks, but occasionally they do eat ham chunks because it would be unseemly not to, celebration-wise). What fun we’re having, and I hope you are vicariously sharing in said fun because you simply must share in the fun vicariously. Well, I must get up and do the Hora now. I’ll be back in a bit.
Well, dear readers, not that anyone is counting, but it is a mere no days until the new year. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, the new year is but hours away. The first thing I want to say is that I want all of our Hainsies to be safe and sound tonight. I, of course, always stay in on New Year’s Eve, and I contemplate things. I think about what has worked in my life for the past year and then I think about what hasn’t worked and what I want to change and/or fix. I also eat cheese slices and ham chunks and I dance the Hora whilst wearing a pointy hat and skimpy clothing and tossing confetti hither and thither and yon, and let’s not forget to and fro. And I want you all to join me in said contemplation, cheese slices, ham chunks and dancing of the Hora in pointy hats and skimpy clothes. Because, damn everyone’s eyes, we are going to celebrate, and no one is going to get in our way, dear readers. No one is going to put a damper on our celebration. No one is going to be a party pooper, because to be a pooper at a party is unseemly. No, if you’re not a loyal and true Hainsie, then this party is not for you. If you are not a loyal and true Hainsie you should stop reading right here and right now because these here notes will only confuse you. You will sit there and scratch your noggin and think, “What the hell are they eating cheese slices and ham chunks for, and why in heaven’s name are they dancing the Hora in pointy hats and skimpy clothes?” Well, I’m here to tell you naysayers and doubting Thomases that not only will we be doing those things, we will also be doing the Limbo.
What do you think of them egg roles, Mr. Goldstone? So, you doubting Thomases go elsewhere because we are going to be having our first annual Haineshisway.com New Year’s Rockin’ Eve and the devil take the hindmost, whatever the hell that means.
We have our trivia contest winner, dear readers. In order to find out who the High Winner is (along with the Subsequent Winners) you will simply have to click that darn Unseemly Button below, unless, of course, you are a doubting Thomas, or even a doubting Edgar or Mary Lou.
According to Diana Ross, “If a girl isn’t pretty” she’s “a Miss Nobody, USA”. That is the correct answer to our second trivia contest, and the proof can be found on the album Diana Ross Sings and Performs Funny Girl. Our High Winner is our very own Hainsie, Mr. Paul Fairie, who will be receiving a special handy-dandy prize as soon as he e-mails me his special handy-dandy address. Our Subsequent Winners are JM Kauffman and Arnold M. Brockman. We had several other close guesses. Keep playing, though, because if you don’t guess you can’t win and you can’t win if you don’t guess.
If you haven’t tuned in yet to our very special The Broadway Radio Show with Donald Feltham and this week’s guest, Mr. David Levy, you are in for a very surreal treat – pop cover versions of show tunes, from the traditional to the extremely outre. And when I say outre, I mean outre – some of these versions will blow your mind, dear readers, or, if you’re mind has already been blown, they will cause your mouth to drop to the floor.
I must say that ever since I wrote about our handy-dandy search box, it has become one of our most popular features. People are even searching their very own names and finding mentions of their very own selves right here in these notes. What could be more fun than that? So, search away and see what you come up with.
I saw the motion picture Vanilla Sky, a remake of a foreign film from a few years ago (called Todo Los Obres or something, which should roughly translate to “Open Your Eyes”). It’s a strange film. Cameron Crowe, who I find a talented person, is simply too mainstream a talent to make this film either weird or creepy enough. I’m sure the original has the vision of its director/author and that is what is missing here. It’s very well done certainly, looks good, but it just never seems to achieve what its after. I actually thought Tom Cruise did a swell job and I like Penelope Cruz very much. I find Cameron Diaz annoying, but that works here and she has the one and only genuinely creepy scene in the film. The ending is very peculiar and is very Seconds like, not that many people have seen Seconds, and also will remind you of several other recent films.
But enough about the movies. Let’s talk about the revival of 42nd Street. First of all, our very own Mr. Todd Ellison is the conductor of the show and he is delightful and, in fact, has the best entrance in the whole show. I found the it entertaining, but by the numbers. Still and all, there are worse ways to spend an evening, and you do get a lot of tap dancing and a lot of Mr. Champion’s original staging. There’s a peculiar change in the ballet that sort of isn’t good, but the cast is energetic and by the end you’ll be clapping loudly with everyone else.
I’d seen Annie Get Your Gun, the revival, when it first opened and thought it was one of the most horrid things I’d ever seen. Everyone seemed to be doing work that wasn’t equal to their talents (except for Tom Wopat, who was fine), no one more so than Peter Stone and Bernadette Peters. So, it was with great trepidation that I went back to see it again because my friend Brent Barrett had taken over Mr. Wopat’s role and was doing the show with Reba McIntyre. Well, she couldn’t fix all the problems, but she damn well fixed a lot of them. Reba brought such a fresh, vulnerable and charming presence to the part, that she almost made you forget Peter Stone’s idiotic reimagining of what didn’t need to be reimagined. She made you care about Annie, and she sang it like a dream. Brent was great, and the two of them had terrific chemistry.
Enough rambling. It’s time to celebrate. I’ll be updating these here notes throughout the day and evening, so come back often. The updates will be at the beginning on the splash page, because that’s how Mr. Mark Bakalor has ordained that it must be. Did you know that Mr. Mark Bakalor once used the special handy-dandy search box and searched the following: “c”. Let me tell you, he got a lot of hits for the letter “c”. Of course, why he was searching the letter “c” is something only he can answer. I do use the letter “c” quite a bit, as several of my favorite words have the letter “c” in them. Some of my very favorite words even start with the letter “c”, but I’ll let each and every dear reader imagine what those words might be, and I’m quite certain that those doing the imagining will come up with the proper words.
So, what did we feel about Stanley Kubrick’s favorite year? Well, for me, it was an interesting year. I produced some albums that pleased me very much indeed, I wrote a novel, I’m in the midst of writing a new musical and I’ve met some wonderful people. I’ve gotten to work with two legends, Miss Lauren Bacall and Miss Ann-Margret, which, in both cases, was grand grand fun, and I’ve worked with so many brilliantly talented singers, musical directors and orchestrators, too, not to mention our very own beloved Vinnie “why haven’t I been paid” Cirilli. And, there have been some very negative things that happened in Stanley Kubrick’s favorite year. But, at this time, I would rather accentuate the positive, so, for this very short period of time I shall remain moot on all negative topics and just let nature take its course. One of my strongest wishes is for all the negative stuff to just go away, so that everyone can move on with their lives. However, if the negative stuff doesn’t go away and go away soon, then all “moots” are off – there will be no more moots, and, as the X Files is so fond of saying, The Truth Is Out There, and the truth will be known and the devil take the hindmost.
Don’t forget to have your Diet Cokes ready for our midnight toast. Diet Cokes and toast, what better way to bring in the new year? We will allow, just this once, the drinking of Champagne at midnight, for our New Year’s Eve purists. Well, I must do some exercise so that I’m limber for the Limbo and so that I can dance the Hora with great abandon whilst wearing a pointy hat and skimpy clothes. I shall look quite sexy in my skimpy clothes. I shall look like a cross between Milton Berle and Ona Munson, and what could be sexier than that, I ask you? You’re all sitting there scratching your collective heads, aren’t you? You’re all running to imdb.com aren’t you, to look up Ona Munson, aren’t you? I just thought Ona should be in these here notes, on the off-chance that if anyone searched her they’d find her right here. That was my new year’s Shangahi Gesture for Ms. Munson.
I no longer have a clue as to what the hell I’m talking about. A cross between Milton Berle and Ona Munson? And what if they’re Jewish? We can’t have a cross between Milton and Ona if they’re Jewish -we’ll need a Jewish star between Milton and Ona if they’re Jewish. Or, if one is Jewish and one isn’t, then we can have a cross and a star, because turnabout is fair play, whatever the hell that means.
I’ll be back in a thrice with the first of our New Year’s Eve updates. So, listen to the radio show, get your pointy hats, confetti, cheese slices and ham chunks at the ready (and don’t forget your Limbo bar). Because we are going to celebrate, celebrate. We are going to party hearty. Forget Dick Clark, celebrate with Guy Haines and the Hainseshisway.com regulars (Hainsies). Even the bird is outside, wearing its finest feathers, and singing Hey There, Good Times in hopes that the new year will be spectacular. Now, don’t forget to post your unseemly New Year’s Eve comments in the Unseemly Comment Box below. We want this to be an interactive party, baby!