Well, dear readers, after two days of sleeping later than usual, today I awoke earlier than usual, just for a change of pace, I suppose. I awoke at 6:45 in the morning, feeling queasy and uneasy and not very breezy. That is because yesterday I ate silly food. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, yesterday I ate silly food. I do that every now and then, eat silly food and I really don’t know the reason why. I have no explanation for the eating of silly food, I just eat the silly food knowing it’s silly food. I sit there and think, “Why am I eating silly food, when I should be eating a nice meal?” And then I continue eating the silly food. For example, I went shopping at Gelson’s and bought several items from their deli, along with my regular groceries. I hadn’t eaten all day because I’d had lots to do (which I’ll tell you about in a bit, or perhaps even two bits which, as everyone knows, is a quarter. Is one bit a dime? What are three bits? Stop with the bits already – if I start on the bits we’ll be here all day). The first thing I ate when I got home were one half pound of shrimp with cocktail sauce. That’s like eating nothing, of course, as the shrimp have very few calories and no fat grams, ditto the cocktail sauce. Then I ate some cheesy potatoes. They were quite nauseating, but I still ate them because they were silly. After that I ate a very small portion of Chinese Chicken Salad, which Gelson’s deli does very well. After that, I ate a quite large portion of Rice Pudding with whipped cream. A lot of whipped cream. Then, of course, I danced the Rice Pudding dance in my Nike shorts and Stephen Sondheim Stage t-shirt. I danced the Rice Pudding dance to the music of Evita which has lyrics by Tim Rice whose ancestors invented Rice Pudding. Several hours later I ate some chopped liver with crackers for a snack. The chopped liver made the cheesy potatoes seem like high cuisine. Chopped liver is an extremely silly food, by the way. Why anyone would eat it is a mytery wrapped inside of an enigma. No wonder I woke up queasy and uneasy and not breezy. It’s a wonder I wasn’t throwing up in the bed.
Look at the size of that paragraph. That paragraph is worthy of Tolstoy. Benny Tolstoy used to write the longest paragraphs, and I’m happy to have done something worthy of him, even though he was an unseemly little twit.
Last night I dreamed I was at Manderley.
In my dream Rupert Holmes was trying to get Bette Midler to commit to his latest play. Bette was doing a movie and wouldn’t commit – Bette’s mother was there (I have no idea who Bette’s mother is) and I also wanted Bette to do a project and I went around Bette and tried to woo her mother so her mother could get her to do my project. Then I was suddenly in a car with two dogs. I think it was a Thunderbird, and one dog was in the front seat, and the other dog leaped through the open window and went into the back seat where he couldn’t get comfortable and ended up lying on his back with his feet in the air – I believe he’d gotten stuck in that position. To find out the outcome of the dream, let’s all click our heels – oops, wrong dream – let’s all click the Unseemly Button below.
I woke up. Only kidding. In any case, some time went by and then I was walking the dog that had been in the front seat (I presume the other dog was still stuck in the back seat of the Thunderbird). We were walking along some kind of street fair. The dog paused by one of the stands where his ear was immediately bitten by some rodent-looking animal. We moved on. Everyone at the stands that we passed was being mean to the dog and, in turn, to me. I got into an altercation with someone, and to show me how tough they were, they ripped the head off a clay statue of some sort. That scared me and the dog and I moved on. But I was quite angry by that time and I went back to the tough guy’s stand and kicked him in the knee. I woke up then, and saw that my leg was literally trying to kick someone. Luckily (or not), I was alone.
Wasn’t that an interesting dream? This is the sort of thing one dreams when one has eaten shrimp cocktail, cheesy potatoes, Chinese Chicken Salad, Rice Pudding with whipped cream and chopped liver and crackers. Oh, and I forgot the handful of gummy candies.
By the way, Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest wrote a song called Silly Food. Have you heard of it? It’s a real toe tapper. Speaking of toe tappers, why is the plural of “potato” “potatoes”? What do toes have to do with a potato? Or why isn’t the singular “potatoe”? These are the questions one has when one has eaten silly food. And that, of course, is a perfect segue to the Meltz and Ernest song, which is, by the way, both a toe tapper and a potatoe tapper.
SILLY FOOD Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest
When I’m in the mood,
For some silly food.
I don’t come unglued
I find some silly food.
Here’s a sample of what I eat
A brief example – it’s sorta neat…
Macaroni
And baloney
Eating sundaes
Just on Mondays
Or beef jerkey
And pressed turkey
Hot tamales
Or bialys
Pickled beets and prunes and chili
Oh, my goodness, aren’t they silly
Still they’re eaten by Aunt Lily
Who’s not crass or crude
She just likes silly food.
Tapioca
Almond Roca
Stewed tomatoes
Stuffed potatoes
Bags of Cheetos
Or Doritos
Squash and scallions
Beef medallions
Fancy foods are fine and frilly
I won’t eat them, they’re not silly
Oh, they’re fine for Fred and Millie
They’ve got attitude
They don’t like silly food.
Silly food, silly food,
I love to eat it, I love to eat it.
Silly food, silly food,
You just can’t beat it, you just can’t beat it.
Rice-a-Roni
Rigatoni
Guacamole
Or cannole
Mozarella
Mortadella
Enchiladas
Empanadas
Canned sardines may leave you chilly
I find them extremely silly
I’m just like my Uncle Billy
Who dines in the nude.
He just likes silly
I like silly
We all like silly food.
We all like silly food!
Weren’t you tapping your toes? I was. I was tapping both my toes and my potatoes. Now I’m hungry for silly food again.
Last night I began watching the new DVD of the first season of The Larry Sanders Show. Amazingly, I’d only seen two episodes when the show was on the air, because I didn’t have HBO. I watched six episodes last night, and it’s pretty damn funny. What a cast – just perfect comic performances, none finer than Gary Shandling himself as Larry, although Rip Torn’s acting of Arthur at times approaches genius. Jeffrey Tambor is great, and all the guest stars are hilarious. Interestingly, Dick Blasucci, who once replaced me in a pilot (I’ve told the story here – I got the chicken pox), is one of the supervising producers. There’s a fun interview between TV critic Tom Shales and Gary Shandling which sheds a lot of light on how the show was created, cast and shot. I’m looking forward to watching the other episodes soon.
Don’t forget, Donald has a new show going up later today, and don’t forget to send your Unseemly Trivia Contest guesses.
Yesterday, I rehearsed with two very talented kids who are doing a number in the Tourette’s Syndrome benefit I’m directing. I love working with kids, so we all had a good deal of fun. Then we toured the Alex Theater with our set designer, Bernie Cutler, our wonderful stage manager, Ronn Goswick and, of course, our writer and producers, David, Cissy and Jerry Wechter. Not to mention nine year old Daniel Wechter, who’ll be appearing in the show with his brother Zach and cousin Max. What a beautiful theater the Alex is.
Well, I must go do my thing, dear readers. I don’t know what my thing is, really, but I must find my thing and then do it, because that is what one does with one’s thing when one finds it.