Well, dear readers, today is Thursday and that means it is the day I answer your questions from yesterday. Of course, many of you didn’t ask questions yesterday because I forgot it was Ask BK day. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I forgot it was Ask BK day until one of you pointed it out to me. As soon as one of you pointed it out to me, I remembered it was Ask BK day. So, we didn’t have our usual plethora of questions for me to answer. However, I shall answer the questions which were asked, and I shall answer them in ernest. It is very important to answer questions in ernest. Of course, if you answer questions in ernest will george be able to understand said answers or will only ernest be able to understand said answers? Certainly Ernest Ernest would be able to understand said answers because you can’t be more ernest than Ernest Ernest. What the hell am I talking about? Excuse me for a moment.
Damn the eyes of a wombat, I was right. What the Hell am I Talking About is a Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest song. How appropriate, when I was just talking about being ernest. This is synchronicity. This is serendipity. Here’s the song:
WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT? Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest
Words pour out of me like water from a tap
I talk and I talk and I talk.
But the words that pour out of me are just so much crap
I get so angry – I take a walk –
And think
I have a conversation
I’m speaking words no doubt
But people don’t have a single clue to
What the hell I’m talking about!
I speak in simple rhythms
I never scream or shout
But people just look at me and say, hey
What the hell are you talking about?
Yeah, what the hell am I talking about
When I blab and blab and blab?
My thoughts aren’t lean, my prose ain’t clean
I do not have the gift of gab!
When I am at a party,
The words come tumbling out
But people just scratch their heads and sigh, why
What the hell is he talking about?
So that’s my situation
I do not mean to pout
But every time I happen to speak, eek!
What the hell am I talking about?
What the hell am I talking about?
What the hell am I talking about!
My goodness, Ernest Ernest is so ernest. And that is why he’s a role model for us all. So, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below that I can answer your question in ernest.
Very well then. Dear reader Laura asks if I think her daughter, Sandra, is odd because she doesn’t like any of the usual music that normal teenagers like. No, Sandra likes the likes of Forever Plaid, Lawrence Welk and Frank Sinatra.
First of all, I do believe that’s the first time I’ve ever seen the names Lawrence Welk and Frank Sinatra in the same sentence. Second of all, who wants to be a normal teenager? I certainly wasn’t a normal teenager. While everyone at my school was singing the songs of the Beatles, or the Stones, or the Byrds, I was singing Me and My Town from Anyone Can Whistle. Point being, that I went against the grain. Have you ever gone against the grain? The grain gets very upset, let me tell you that. Never cross the grain because the grain is vindictive and vicious. Where was I? Oh, yes, the normal teenager and the music of today. I would hate to be a teenager today. I hated being a teenager when I was a teenager, but I cannot fathom being a teenager today. I really don’t care for most of the music I hear today, just as I don’t care for most of the movies I see today. I think, in a lot of ways, we are in a creative void today. However, as Scarlet O’Hara said, “Tomorrow is another day.” Is that what Scarlet O’Hara said? I can’t remember. So, no, I don’t think Sandra is odd. I’ve met Sandra. I like Sandra. She’s very plaid, you know. The plaidest. No one plaider than Sandra. Just ask Mr. Jason Graae, who knows from both Sandra and plaid.
Arnold M. Brockman asks if I am contemplating getting involved in starting my own New company again, or if my future plans are tied up in The Story.
No, my future plans are most certainly not tied up in The Story. The Story is the past and we do not dwell in the past unless we are forced to by those who do dwell in the past. It is too soon to say if I would start a New company to produce albums – all I can tell you is that I’ve been approached with something interesting, and I’m just in the beginning phases of discussion.
Lolita asks the following: When did I write my first musical, what was it about, and was it any good?
I wrote my first musical in high school, with a friend named Ellen Bank. Ellen was a very wacky gal indeed (she was President of the Soupy Sales fan club, if that tells you anything). We decided to write a musical. Why we decided this I can no longer remember. What I do remember is it was called A Penny Ain’t Worth A Nickel. Why it was called that I no longer remember. I do remember it was about the Devil and selling one’s soul (I think we loved Damn, Yankees!) and I do remember a few songs I wrote for it, I’m In Like With You and Think of the Future. But here’s the best part – I saw Jason Robards, Jr. in Hughie at the Huntington Hartford Theater. I was a huge fan of his. And I thought he would make a fine Devil in A Penny Ain’t Worth A Nickel. So, I waited by the stage door (I did not lack for chutzpah) and I gave Mr. Robards the one and only copy of the script (no Kinko’s in those days). Mr. Robards was extremely kind and gracious and told me he’d read it and that I should return in a week to get the script back. I went back a week later, and Mr. Robards gave me the script back and was so sweet and warm and supportive. He said he’d enjoyed it, but that his schedule was quite busy, but that he’d mentioned it to his agent, who I was free to call if I wanted. The thing you must understand about his generosity is that this was perhaps the most embarrassingly bad script ever written – it was inept. I never forgot Mr. Robards’ wonderful behavior, and I, in fact, have tried to emulate it when people send me material or audition or whatever. A postscript: A couple of years later I gave the very same script to Miss Tammy Grimes, who I was obsessed with. I met her backstage at several shows, and then she was doing a Danny Kaye tv show, and I can’t remember who I knew backstage, but I got to go back and say hello, and I gave her my script. The next time I saw her she told me she’d lost it. Therefore, I’m afraid my first work is lost to the ages, or perhaps Miss Grimes still has it and looks at it from time to time.
The next musical I wrote, on spec, was a musical of To Kill a Mockingbird, right after college. Thankfully, that one was much better. And it came very close to a production – I’d gotten an agent, the legendary Frank Levy at CMA, and he put together a wonderful cast for a backer’s audition. Out of that came an offer to try it out in Seattle, with Don Murray starring as Atticus. Very heady indeed. Unfortunately, when it came time to secure the rights to the book from Miss Harper Lee, she refused to give us said rights – she didn’t want her book to be a musical.
Craig asks if I will be selling my very own novel here at haineshisway.com and, if so, will they be signed and if so will those signed copies be a web exclusive?
My original plan was to sell signed copies here on the site – but I’m still trying to figure out how to work it – whether we get a “shopping cart” or what. If we can figure it out, we would also include a CD of Guy Haines singing songs that are quoted in the book, free of charge. And yes, Virginia, bet your bottom dollar that CD would be a web exclusive, never to be available anywhere but here. However, if it all proves too complicated, then I’ll just link everyone over to amazon.com. I’ll be speaking to Mr. Mark Bakalor about this very topic very soon, because I’d also like to sell the Nudie Musical DVD here, too.
Well, that is all the questions we had, and I hope I have answered them in ernest. Today’s topic of discussion: What are your favorite Harold Arlen songs? I’ll start: Don’t Like Goodbyes, A Sleepin’ Bee, The Man That Got Away, One More for the Road, Right as the Rain, Over the Rainbow, If I Only Had a Brain, I’ve Got the World on a String, House of Flowers. Your turn.