Well, dear readers, today is the day. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, today is the day, the day you’ve asked for, the day you’ve been waiting for. Today is Ask GH Day, the day in which you get to ask Mr. Guy Haines all your excellent questions. I cannot, of course, guarantee how excellent his answers will be because, as you know, Mr. Haines is a bit secretive, a bit elusive, rather like that elusive butterfly of love, and we know how elusive the fershluganah butterfly of love is. I, in fact, have never seen the elusive butterfly of love, that’s how elusive the butterfly of love is. I have seen the margerinefly of love once or twice, but it’s not really the same thing, is it? Where was I? Oh, yes the secretive and elusive Guy Haines and his answering of your excellent questions.
Well, yesterday I was at the downtown library doing a spot of research and looking through a lot of microfiche. Actually, it wasn’t microfiche at all, it was microfilm. I know this because when they brought it to me I said, “What is it, fiche?” and they said, “No, you Ukranian submarine sandwich, it’s film.” I then spent the next hour trying to figure out why they called me a Ukranian submarine sandwich. I was there for four count them four hours and by the end of it I had a headache and was nauseous. Afterwards, I returned the microfilm and thanked the person who’d given it to me and also called her a Brazilian Falafel. I then went home, but first I stopped at the DVD store to see what the new releases were. And lo and behold and also behold and lo, there was the brand spanking new box set of the third season of The Sopranos. I have never actually seen a broadcast episode of The Sopranos on HBO, but I have purchased each season as its come out, and I really like it. It’s quite addictive, in fact, and I’ve already watched the first episode. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? First I had to finish the truly horrid Needful Things. What a bad motion picture. Although, Max von Sydow seems to be having a high old lime as the devil. Has anyone noticed that I just wrote “high old lime” instead of “high old time”? It was a mere slip of a finger, but I like “high old lime”, don’t you? “High old time” is so overused, so from now on I shall use “high old lime”. Anyway, Max von Sydow seems to be having a high old lime in his role as the devil. It’s fun to hear him call Ed Harris “a wussy”. Not fun enough to endure the film, but when a movie is this bad, any small pleasure is appreciated. Large pleasures, sadly, were like the elusive butterfly of love. Before I put on The Sopranos, I did manage to watch Mr. Curtis Harrington’s What’s the Matter with Helen?, which has just come out on DVD (a double bill with another Harrington film, Whoever Slew Auntie Roo). It’s kind of inept, but weirdly enjoyable, especially for the performances of Debbie Reynolds and Shelly Winters. Michael MacLiammor is also in it, as a hammy acting teacher, and he is excellent and very hammy. The film has an insistent but good David Raksin score and I like the use of the song “Goody Goody”. There are also a couple of musical numbers, choreographed by Tony Charmoli.
Well, I believe it is time for all of us to click on the Unseemly Button below because we are having too much of a high old lime, in my opinion (IMO, in Internet lingo).
Has anyone seen the elusive butterfly of love? Has anyone eaten a Ukranian submarine sandwich or a Brazilian falafel? Is anyone having a high old lime? I was looking at a brand spanking new cellular phone the other day. It was quite tiny and light, but do you know what the most interesting thing about it was? Well, I’m going to tell you what the most interesting thing about it was because why should I keep such things from you? I’m not the elusive butterfly, you know, I keep you up-to-date and in-the-know here at haineshisway.com. The most interesting thing about this cellular phone was that it had a full color screen. I have never seen that before. It also had icons on it. Apparently, this new cellular phone can do everything – it can make and receive calls, it has voice-activated dialing, it can connect to the Internet, it can receive IMs and send e-mail and you can even place a bid on eBay. That is some cellular phone. It is an AT&T service, I don’t think anyone quite offers this technology but them. I know other phones have the internet (mine included), but this technology is different and altogether better, the salesperson told me. Unfortunately, I have a contract with Verizon that isn’t up until early next year, and there is a penalty, and not a light one, for canceling service early. Whatever did we do before cellular phones? Well, I’ll tell you what we did, we managed, that’s what we did. But now, it is unthinkable for most people to not have their cell phones with them at every moment. I’ve seen kids of eight walking down the street, twittering away on them, and I’ve seen adults of eighty doing the same. Of course, with this new AT&T phone, all long distance calls are free. But I really hate when people get and make calls from restaurants – that is where I draw the line. Yes, Virginia, if someone gets a call while I’m in a restaurant, I walk over to their table with a pencil and I draw a line. That will teach the inconsiderate wazoos.
Look at the size of that paragraph. That is one impressive paragraph. That paragraph has heft.
The above paragraph, however, was bereft of heft. Heft was like the elusive butterfly of love with the above paragraph.
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do and I must do them with heft and I must have a high old lime whilst doing them. Today I must eat the pasta with red sauce, because it is impossible not to do so after watching The Sopranos. So, now it is time for you to ask the elusive Guy Haines your excellent questions, so ask away, my pretties.