Well, dear readers, last night I saw a textbook example of what never ever to do in an act. It was embarrassing – an actress/singer who’s done good work before, but who has decided to put forth in front of people a life filled with downer things, many, many downer things. While this might be good therapy to do alone in your living room, or even if one created a theater piece out of it, even though it would still be awful, the one place you should never do it is in a supper club, especially when you’ve asked a favor and are the opening act for someone else. I got news for you – no one in that audience, save for the two friends who were doing the usual hooting at the back of the house, no one CARES. We don’t know you, and nothing you are doing is helping us know you – what you are doing is presenting a lot of bland original songs which I’m sure are cathartic for you to sing, strung together by long, rambling, horrible stories of your childhood – they are far too personal and hold no interest for most people, at least not in a nightclub setting. It was, in a word, excruciating. At one point, I turned to Steve Hollis and said, “We may as well all kill ourselves now.” This person asked if she could have the slot and unfortunately, the headliner whose show this was, Beth Malone, said yes, laboring under the misconception that the woman was a stand-up comic. No. When this woman first met Michael Sterling she actually told him that she thought she could easily do ninety minutes and that would be great. He gently informed her this was not her show and that at most she could have forty-five, but it was a hard forty-five. She then said something like “Well, we’ll keep it loose,” to which he responded no there will be no loose. Well, after forty-five dreary minutes there was no sign of this woman ever leaving the stage, and the majority of the audience was sitting there with dazed expressions on their faces, or just eating their meals. Thankfully and correctly, Mr. Sterling stopped it – he got on the loudspeaker, thanked her, and said the act everyone was there to see would be starting shortly. The singer looked shocked and indignant that she’d been stopped. She couldn’t believe it. I might say I hoped she learned something from this, but I’m sure she didn’t – I’m sure she thought she was doing amazingly well. The last time I saw anything this self-indulgent and nauseating was over thirty years ago and at that performance the audience actually revolted and began talking back to the performer. I was close to doing that myself. I’m not trying to be mean to this person, which is why I haven’t named her, but I would strongly advise looking in the mirror and rethinking the way you’re doing this.
Poor Beth had to follow that. But poor Beth is never poor Beth – Beth Malone is one of the most talented people I know and she just took that stage and got everyone back where they belonged – happy, excited, and energized. Beth has it all – she’s real, she’s laugh-out-loud funny, she’s touching, and she has a glorious voice. Her performance in the latest Kritzerland show was stunning – and she stopped the show with each of her three solos. This show of hers is a celebration and tour of her Lesbian life – the patter is terrific and her energy amazing. She, unlike the first lady, never gets maudlin or soapy or tragic – even though her show has many touching moments, she EARNS them and she’s so likable and fun that on those few occasions where things turn touching and perhaps a bit more personal, you’re with her all the way. My only caveat with the show is occasionally the song choices, which I don’t feel always serve the storytelling well. There are few theater songs and when what I believe is the first of them finally comes along it’s like this huge blue sky and breath of fresh air, because not only is it a song she did in a show (Sister Act) but the lyric and music go somewhere and illustrate what she’s been talking about perfectly. That song, The Life I Never Led, was the highlight of the show and I just wish there were a couple more of those – most of it works fine, but with a couple more of those it would just lift it to another place – then again, she might not be interested in that, but it’s just my audience observation. If you want to see how she kills with The Life I Never Led, simply go to You Tube and search my name and her name and you’ll find the performance she did for me at the Menken/Schwartz benefit. I truly adore this woman and if she weren’t always working and in and out of town, I would have her in every Kritzerland show. And watching her last night also reminded me just how fantastic she was in the very first private reading of the stage version of The First Nudie Musical – she played the Cindy Williams role opposite Patrick Cassidy in the Stephen Nathan role, and she was completely winning and adorable. If you have a chance to catch this show, run, don’t walk.
Prior to all that, I had my appointment with Dr. Chew. He shot the dreaded Novocain into the gums, but thankfully he put so much topical anesthetic on I didn’t feel the needle go in. I didn’t feel much of anything, but the sound of that damn drill whittling my cracked tooth to a nub was making me want to vomit on the ground. It took a solid hour for him to finish, then he put a temporary crown on. I get the real one in two weeks, then he does the other cracked tooth on the right side.
After that, I picked up no packages, and I did a two-mile jog. I did a little work on the computer, and then I went over to The Federal, where I joined Adryan Russ and her ever-lovin’ Dale, and the Hollises. I’m chewing all food on the right until I get the permanent porcelain crown. I thought the entire meal was slightly “off” and not as good as it usually is – perhaps there’s a different chef for our Sunday night shows.
Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because I must get a good night’s beauty sleep and the Novocain has worn off and that side of my mouth is really sore.
Today, I shall hopefully arise after a good night’s beauty sleep, then I’m having an early lunch with Alet Taylor, after which I’ll hopefully pick up some packages. Then it’s writing liner notes and catching up on bill paying.
Tomorrow, I’m hopeful to get together with Pogue and have a meal. Otherwise, it’s meetings, meals, writing, and then three intensive days of work with the New York Singer. I also have a couple of shows to see.
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must, for example, try to do a jog, have an early lunch, hopefully pick up packages, write, and pay some bills. Today’s topic of discussion: What’s the worst nightclub act or performance you’ve ever seen? You can lay it all out, or be discreet and not name the performer. Let’s have loads of lovely postings, shall we, whilst I hit the road to dreamland and hopefully awaken to a non-sore mouth.