Raindrops keep falling on my head. Big, giant raindrops the size of Mack trucks. I think I'm at my capacity, folks. If my mother calls me one more time and wants to 'discuss' things or ask any more questions, I think I'll implode. She called last night at midnight to check up on me, and then pronounced that there were to be no more secrets and if there were any more to get them out in the open right now - be done with it. Bottom line, I may or may not be 'out' to my mother now. I don't know - it was an out of body experience and I'm not sure what I told her. This, in addition to all the crap that started going down on Tuesday, has just about done me in and the anxiety that I'm feeling is overwhelming.
DR TPunk, a trained social worker, was kind enough to provide me with a crisis hotline number, so I called them at around 1am because I was having a panic attack (not as bad as the one I had at work Tuesday, but close) and the lady on the other end of the phone tried to calm me down so I could at least get to sleep. I'm so exhausted right now, both physically and emotionally, that sleeping shouldn't have been a problem, but with a zillion things running through my mind, I had to talk. And talk. And talk.
I don't know what the future holds for me and my family. I'm so tense and anxious right now thinking about the discussions we will inevitably have and how they may react to what I will have to eventually tell them that I can't stay focused on anything but myself, which is the last thing I want to think about right now. SERENITY NOW!!!
You guys have all been so wonderful these past few days. I really appreciate it and need it. I need to feel like SOMEONE'S gonna stand by me. It's nice to know I can depend on HHW.