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Author Topic: JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED  (Read 24897 times)

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bk

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JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« on: April 03, 2006, 12:34:37 AM »

Well, you've read the notes, you know what the doctor ordered and its result, and now you must post until the cows come home - they're having what the doctor ordered.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2006, 12:12:22 AM by bk »
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bk

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2006, 12:34:56 AM »

And the word of the day is: PLENTITUDE!
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Tomovoz

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2006, 12:37:32 AM »

Obviously a word of the day for dog lovers.
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"I'm sixty-three and I guess that puts me with the geriatrics, but if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be forty-three".
James Thurber 1957

Tomovoz

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2006, 12:38:43 AM »

Man of the House
>
>
> The husband had just finished the book "Man of the House". He stormed
> into
> the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her
> face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of
> this
> house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal
> tonight,
> and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a tasty dessert
> afterward.
> Then, after dinner and dessert, you're going to draw me a bath so I can
> relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me
> and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The f**king funeral director."
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"I'm sixty-three and I guess that puts me with the geriatrics, but if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be forty-three".
James Thurber 1957

Tomovoz

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2006, 12:40:31 AM »

McQuillan  walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
               removing  the olives and placing them in a jar.

    When the jar was filled with  olives and all the drinks consumed, the
                         Irishman started to leave.

   "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan  had
                      done, "what was that all about?"

    "Nothin', said the Irishman,  "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
                                  olives!"
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"I'm sixty-three and I guess that puts me with the geriatrics, but if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be forty-three".
James Thurber 1957

Tomovoz

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2006, 12:41:29 AM »

I've  Lost Me Luggage"

  An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and  wandered around the terminal
   with tears streaming down his cheeks.&nb  sp; An airline employee asked
                       him if he was already homesick.

           "No,"  replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

                            "How'd that  happen?"

                  "The cork fell out!" said the  Irishman.
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"I'm sixty-three and I guess that puts me with the geriatrics, but if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be forty-three".
James Thurber 1957

Tomovoz

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2006, 12:43:40 AM »

That lets me off the hook!!

Or for those who believe in using two prepositions when one will do:

That lets me off of the hook.
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"I'm sixty-three and I guess that puts me with the geriatrics, but if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be forty-three".
James Thurber 1957

George

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2006, 12:54:57 AM »

Most of the jokes that I have saved (meaning...that I can just copy and paste), were gotten from HHW, except this one.  I learned it in high school (it's surrealist humor):

Two penguins were sitting in a bathtub.  One says to the other, "Will you hand me the soap?" The other penguin says, "What do you think I am...a radio?"

;)

« Last Edit: April 03, 2006, 12:55:31 AM by George »
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Voldemort is basically a middle school girl: he has a locket, a diary, a tiara, a ring, and is completely obsessed with a teenage boy.

George

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2006, 01:22:25 AM »

I posted this joke last year.  I think it's pretty funny, so here it is again:

Quote
CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam-cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...the maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing that his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

...including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU??
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Voldemort is basically a middle school girl: he has a locket, a diary, a tiara, a ring, and is completely obsessed with a teenage boy.

George

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2006, 01:29:28 AM »

And finally (at least, from my jokes at home...I'll check the ones I have saved at work):

Quote
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he built a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully 'loaded'."

The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and is a go-go dancer in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
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Voldemort is basically a middle school girl: he has a locket, a diary, a tiara, a ring, and is completely obsessed with a teenage boy.

Tomovoz

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #10 on: April 03, 2006, 01:36:45 AM »

Thank you DR George. LOL
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"I'm sixty-three and I guess that puts me with the geriatrics, but if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be forty-three".
James Thurber 1957

George

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2006, 01:51:56 AM »

Glad you liked them. ;D And now, I'm off to bed.

Good evening, Tomovoz. :)
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Voldemort is basically a middle school girl: he has a locket, a diary, a tiara, a ring, and is completely obsessed with a teenage boy.

Michael

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2006, 04:59:38 AM »

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
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Michael

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2006, 05:05:50 AM »

In an attempt to put a halt to the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush
has ordered the bombing of the Canary Islands.
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Michael

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #14 on: April 03, 2006, 05:10:28 AM »

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
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Michael

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #15 on: April 03, 2006, 05:11:46 AM »

Q: What does the Pillsbury Doughboy have underneath his apron?








A: Dough-nuts
   
 
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Michael

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #16 on: April 03, 2006, 05:14:54 AM »

Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
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Michael

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #17 on: April 03, 2006, 05:15:36 AM »

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies  
 
  -It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
 
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elmore3003

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2006, 05:19:15 AM »

Good morning, all!  The crunch begins to finish the Men's Chorus charts.  I will be working on trumpets and trombone today, and if I get really energized, I'll jump into the horn part.  I have a rehearsal tonight with Miss Karen Ziemba and I look forward to it.  So goes the day.

What does a blonde say after sex?

"Are you all on the same team?"
« Last Edit: April 03, 2006, 05:24:50 AM by elmore3003 »
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"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats" - Albert Schweitzer

Michael

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #19 on: April 03, 2006, 05:19:36 AM »

Hollywood Lessons  
 
 It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
 
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elmore3003

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #20 on: April 03, 2006, 05:19:47 AM »

How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?

She opens the car door.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2006, 05:24:16 AM by elmore3003 »
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"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats" - Albert Schweitzer

elmore3003

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2006, 05:28:42 AM »

How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2006, 05:30:34 AM by elmore3003 »
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"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats" - Albert Schweitzer

elmore3003

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2006, 05:29:22 AM »

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
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"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats" - Albert Schweitzer

elmore3003

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2006, 05:29:58 AM »

That's four!

My work is done.
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"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats" - Albert Schweitzer

Dan (the Man)

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2006, 05:33:13 AM »

Two blondes were facing each other across a raging river.  The one blonde shouts to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"  and the other blonde shouted back, "You are on the other side!"
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And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
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Ben

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #25 on: April 03, 2006, 05:35:33 AM »

I got my Kritzerland Package! I now have 5 (that's five) CDs

Stages/Together Again
Harvey Schmidt Plays Jones & Schmidt
Strouse, Schwartz and Schwartz
The Last Starfighter
Kevin Spirtas

Hooray!
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Ben

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #26 on: April 03, 2006, 05:37:56 AM »

What happened when the cook put a firecracker under the pancakes?

He blew his stack!

Hey, I didn't say it was a good joke  ;D
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elmore3003

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #27 on: April 03, 2006, 05:40:09 AM »

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

Spot!

I just discovered this photo of Irene Cromwell as Miss Muffet in the original 1903 BABES IN TOYLAND.
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"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats" - Albert Schweitzer

Ben

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #28 on: April 03, 2006, 05:40:42 AM »

Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.

They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?

The nun Replied, "Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break!!   :D
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FJL

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Re:JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
« Reply #29 on: April 03, 2006, 05:41:38 AM »

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.

The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage,now we'll have to work on your hearing."

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