Topic: JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED (Read 24947 times)

Matt H. · « **Reply #60 on:** April 03, 2006, 07:59:32 AM »

DR JRand: You asked last week about the release of I LOVE LUCY's sixth season on DVD.

I just read it's coming on May 2nd, so you don't have that long to wait!

Matt H. · « **Reply #61 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:01:49 AM »

Page Three MONSTER'S INC. Dance!!!

Ginny · « **Reply #62 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:03:45 AM »

Monday ~~moanin'~~ groanin' greetings! While I can think of only one joke, others have more than made up for it!

A man vows all his life that when he dies he's going to take his money with him. No leaving it to family. No contributions to charity. It's all going with him into the great beyond. He makes his wife swear that she will see to it that his wishes are followed and that all his money is put into his casket before he's buried.

His children are aghast and try to convince their mother otherwise. She is loyal and true to her beloved husband and tells them that, when the time comes, she will do as their father asked.

The time comes. The father dies and, try as they might, the children cannot convince their mother to go against his wishes.

After the funeral, they confront her and ask, "Did you really bury all of Dad's money with him?"

The mother responds, "I certainly did. I wrote that check, put it in his pocket, and hope he can find someplace to cash it!"

vixmom · « **Reply #63 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:04:15 AM »

This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can show him something unbelievable, he gets a free beer? The bartender says alright. So the man puts a hamster and two frogs on the bar and all of a sudden the two frogs jump up and start into a broadway medley. Well,a man at the end of the bar said, "That's amazing, I'll give you $1,000 for the frogs." The man agreed the guy took off. The bartender said to him, "You could have gotten more for the frogs." The man said,

"Frogs are easy to come by, the hamster's a ventriloquist."

vixmom · « **Reply #64 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:05:05 AM »

A priest walks into a bar and asks the first patron "Do you want to go to heaven?" and the guy replies "Of course, Father" and the priest tells him to go stand against the wall by the door. Next guy standing at the bar gets the same question "Do you want to go to heaven?" and the guy replies "Yes, Father" so he tells him to go stand against the wall by the door. Priest then goes to the next patron and asks "Do you want to go to heaven?" and the guy says "NO!"
The priest is shocked and says "You don't want to go to heaven when you die?" And the guy replies "Well, yes, Father, when I die; I thought you were getting together a group to go right now!"

vixmom · « **Reply #65 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:06:27 AM »

Guy walks into a bar and pulls a tiny grand piano out of his pocket. Then he pulls out a little guy who site down and begins to play. "Where'd ya get that?" bartender asks. "I have a magic bottle; you rub it and get a wish," customer replies. Customer agrees to let bartender try it, and pulls a grungy old whiskey bottle from his pocket. Bartender rubs it, and the room fills up with ducks, flying everywhere. "I didn't wish for a million 'ducks'," says bartender. "So, did you think I wished for a ten-inch pianist?" responds customer.

vixmom · « **Reply #66 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:07:17 AM »

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not," and he disappears.

vixmom · « **Reply #67 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:07:43 AM »

Guy walks into a bar with his pet ant. He's spent years teaching the ant to sing "White Christmas," and has finally suceeded and can't wait to show his ant off.
He puts him on the bar and shows him to the bartender saying, "See that?"
The bartender squashes the ant with his towel, saying "Yeah the damned pests are all over the place."

vixmom · « **Reply #68 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:09:01 AM »

A nervous fellow shows up at heaven's gate, hoping to get in. St. Peter asks him, "well, looking at your record, I don't see any particularly compelling reason to let you in. Have you done anything noteworthy I should know about?"

"Well, yes," he responded. "I was driving down the freeway, and saw a motorcycle gang terrorizing this young woman who had a flat tire. I slammed on the brakes, pushed the leader out of the way, picked up a tire iron, and told them, '...leave this woman alone, or I will teach you the meaning of pain!'"

"My," said St. Peter, that IS noteworthy. When did that happen?

"About two minutes ago." he answered.

Ginny · « **Reply #69 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:09:58 AM »

I was not a wussburger last night (well, maybe a bit of one...), but DH Richard and I drove home from Movin' Out in a fantastic thunderstorm. I disconnected my computer when we got home so it wouldn't get fried.

We loved the show. Having seen Fiddler the night before with next to no choreography, it was fun to see something that was ALL choreography. The lead singer/pianist, Matthew Friedman, channeled Billy Joel to a "T."

vixmom · « **Reply #70 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:10:04 AM »

Two atoms are walking down the street. One says, "I just lost an electron." The other one says, "Are you sure?" The first one says I"m positive!"

Dan (the Man) · « **Reply #71 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:10:39 AM »

I think I told this one here before, but it's worth repeating:

A chicken is sitting by herself at a singles bar. An egg saunters over to her, offers to buy her a drink and they start to talk. They hit it off and have a couple of laughs, and the chicken whispers into the egg's ear, "Let's go to my place."

Once at her apartment, they begin to wildly make out on the sofa. Full of passion, the chicken stands up and pulls the egg after her into the bedroom.

Five minutes later, the chicken is angrily puffing on a cigarette while the egg is laying asleep beside her.

"Well, " huffs the chicken. "I guess that answers that!"

vixmom · « **Reply #72 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:12:34 AM »

Q:How many Greenpeace volunteers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:Four. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder and one to fill out the environmental impact statement.

vixmom · « **Reply #73 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:13:10 AM »

How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, There is no lightbulb

vixmom · « **Reply #74 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:13:43 AM »

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?

Hey! Whadda you care? What, are ya writin' a book or somethin'?

vixmom · « **Reply #75 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:14:34 AM »

Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One to put in an old bulb that used to work 50 years ago, and a thousand to blame liberals for the darkness.

vixmom · « **Reply #76 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:15:13 AM »

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

vixmom · « **Reply #77 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:16:35 AM »

Q. How many FEMA Directors does it take to change a New Orleans light bulb?

A. One, but it takes two weeks. Three days to determine that the light bulb in question is in fact a federally-protected light bulb, two days to wait for State and local authorities to declare a state of darkness, one day to arrange for a truckload of light bulbs to be flown from Maui to Maine, two days to be interviewed on national television justifying the need to buy light bulbs from Halliburton since there had never been darkness before, three days to find the correct devastated lightbulb, two days to turn in a letter of resignation and send self-congratulory e-mails about limiting the outage to the single bulb, and a final day to bring in a Louisiana General with a ladder and a functional lightbulb.

(Restoration of electrical utility needed to power the bulb is still being committeed in Congress.)

Jennifer · « **Reply #78 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:17:51 AM »

Does anyone know exactly what the Live From The Licoln Center (that is on tonight) features?

Btw, Apprentice is on at 10pm, instead of 9pm!

vixmom · « **Reply #79 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:18:03 AM »

Q: How many UNITARIANS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:
"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

vixmom · « **Reply #80 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:18:27 AM »

Q: How many LUTHERANS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Lutherans don't believe in change

vixmom · « **Reply #81 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:19:26 AM »

Q: How many HMO Administrators does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Before they commit to a new light bulb, they suggest you try doing more things during daytime hours

vixmom · « **Reply #82 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:21:06 AM »

How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they don't want to offend the lightbulb for not working.

vixmom · « **Reply #83 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:21:56 AM »

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it's going to take a long time, it's going to be very expensive, and the light bulb has to really want to change

Jennifer · « **Reply #84 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:22:13 AM »

I also watched COLD CASE last night (for the first time). I saw the promos with Adam Pascal and Laura Bell Bundy (is that the right order?) and since I love CABARET, I thought i'd watch.

I loved seeing these two, but it reminded me why I mostly don't watch police dramas. And the differences between one i love (like THE CLOSER) and this were so apparent. None of the main characters interested me. And the way they uncovered all their evidence (with flashbacks and the characters telling them exactly what happened) made me crazy.

vixmom · « **Reply #85 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:28:04 AM »

How many liberal arts professors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Interesting question. What we think of as a "darkness" is actually the absence of light, but we associate a "-ness," a state of being, to the dark, such that the lack of a lightbulb -- a thing -- creates its counterpart -- this thing we call "darkness."

Ginny · « **Reply #86 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:29:03 AM »

DH Richard and I are going in opposite directions today to look after our mothers. His is being released from the hospital, mine has been cooped up for a couple of weeks with bronchitis. My mom, of course, gave her car to DS Rob, so I'm taking her to the grocery and on some other errands.

For our dinner later, I've already made a meat loaf and baked an Amish oatmeal/coconut pie.

Bye for now.

vixmom · « **Reply #87 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:29:17 AM »

How many Rogerian therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

How many Rogerian therapists do you think it takes to change a light bulb?

Matt H. · « **Reply #88 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:30:28 AM »

Love COLD CASE and the way they flashback and forward with the characters - often during the same scene we see characters the way they were then along with the way they are now. It gives the show its uniqueness, its identity. Sorry it made you crazy.

Matt H. · « **Reply #89 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:31:18 AM »

Going to lunch with best friend John so I need to get cleaned up and ready to leave.

WBBL.

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Author Topic: JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED (Read 24947 times)