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[Dan (the Man)]

A brunette and a blonde are speeding down the highway at 90 MPH.  The blonde, sitting in the passenger seat, turns around and says, "I think you better slow down--there's a cop car behind us."  The brunette asks, "Does he have his flashers on?" and the blonde replies, "Yep...nope...yep...nope...yep...nope...yep...nope ..."

[Ben]

The Hunchback of Notre Dame passed away so the Cathedral needed to find a new bell-ringer.

A man with no arms comes along and says he can do it.
"But you've got no arms... you can't do this job!" says the church leader.
The new applicant says - "Sure I can... I'll do it with my head!"

So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.

He begins ringing the bell, hitting it with his face and head. Unfortunately, the bell swings back and pushes the man out the window and he falls to the ground and dies.

He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him.
"Who is that guy?" one person says.

"I don't know says another, but his face sure rings a bell..."

[FJL]

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are.   Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man  says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

[Ben]

Bell Ringer Part II

With the new bell ringer gone, the church leader still needs someone. The priest posts a sign outside the church and another no-armed man shows up to take the job.

The frustrated church leader says, "The last no-armed guy died trying to ring this bell, what makes you think you can do it?"

The no-armed man says, "I've been without my arms since birth and therefore have much more experience. Besides, I desperately need the job to feed my family."

The church leader, feeling sorry for the man, says, "OK give it a try."

This no-armed man begins to pull the rope with his teeth. A few rings peal out but then the poor man stumbles and falls to his death.

A crowd gathers around the second bell ringer just as a policeman arrives. The policeman says, "OK, this is two deaths in two days. Does anybody know who this guy is?"

One man in the crowd said, "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for the guy who was here yesterday!"

[Ben]

Methinks this will be a heavy traffic day at HHW. Especially once dear Vixmom logs in.

[Ben]

A woman walks into a veterinarian's waiting room dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit obviously does not want to be there.

"Sit, Fluffy!" she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, - "Darn it, Fluffy, will you be good?!"

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:

"I'm sorry... I just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"  

[Dan (the Man)]

Page Two Dance:

[Ben]

Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.
He asks Mike, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Mike says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go "tick-tock-tick-tock" anymore.
Now it just goes "tick...tick...tick."

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.
Then he says in a menacing voice...
Ve haf vays of making you tock!"  

[Ben]

A plethora of bad puns (it's not quite a PLENTITUDE so I decided not to use the Word of the Day to describe it)

Our library has so many books they had to put it in a multi-story building.

I knew a prisoner who crowded his roommates terribly by building a huge aquarium in their room. It was just plain cell-fish of him!

Smoke dynamite... it'll really blow your mind.

Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells as well as body weight.
It's a case of think or slim.

My camera is broken. But, I won't have a negative attitude - I'll take it to the repair shop and see what develops. People think I broke it but the crime isn't so black and white. Ah, I get the picture - I'm being framed!

A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large glass of A-positive blood." The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here!"

Did you hear about the guy who gave narcotics to seagulls?
He left no tern unstoned.

If you shake up a can of beer, and spill it on your stove, do you get foam on the range?

My cat got stolen. I think it was taken by a purr snatcher.

[Dan (the Man)]

Three models, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde, are flying to New York City and have to make a change over in Iowa.  They see that they have a little time before their next flight, so they decide to get a drink at the airport bar.

When the bartender ask the brunette what she'll be having, she says in a surly manner, "I'll have a ML."

The bartender stares at her with a blank expression.  "I'm sorry, miss.  But what's a ML?"

The brunette rolls her eyes and replies, "Tch!  It's a Miller Light."  The bartender nods his head and pours her one.

He then turns to the redhead and asks her what she would like.  The redhead throws back her head and tosses off, "Give me a BL."

The bartender scratches his head and says, "Gee, that's a new one on me.  What's a BL?"

The redhead hisses, "That would be a Bud Light, Bubba!"  The bartender makes a note of this and gives her her drink.

Then he asks the blonde for her order.  The blonde haughtily replies, "I'll have a 15."

The bartender begins to sweat and pull at his collar.  "I'm sorry, miss.  I don't know that one, either.  What's a 15?"

The blonde gives the bartender an icy stare and says, "Duh!  It's a Seven and Seven."

[Dan (the Man)]

Yo mamma is so fat, the last time she went to the zoo the elephants threw peanuts at her.

[Dan (the Man)]

Yo mamma is so old, she was the waitress at the Last Supper.

[Dan (the Man)]

Yo mama is so fat, every time she farts the National Hurricane Center has to come up with a new name.

[FJL]

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.

Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!

Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.

[FJL]

But I wanna tell ya, gas prices have gotten so high.  I went to the gas station and asked for $5 worth of gas, the guy farted in my tank.

[Dan (the Man)]

Did y'all hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into his meat grinder?  It seems he got a little behind in his work.

[Kerry]

It's 6:30, and I need to get ready for work.  My mind is not filled with jokes at the moment.  Can I owe you one (or three, as the ase may be)?

Scotchmallows are another favorite See's confection  (so I'm still two days behind).

[JoseSPiano]

Good Morning!

*Is the "No Groaning" rule suspended today?

[JoseSPiano]

What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen?








-Snowballs.

[JoseSPiano]

Your mama is so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

[Ben]

I think it has to be (no groaning rule suspended that is)

[JoseSPiano]

There were plenty of zingers in 70, Girls, 70, last night, but, of course, none of them are coming to mind right now.

[Matt H.]

Good morning!

We had a horrific thunderstorm move through here around 1 a.m. It dripped rain for the rest of the morning, and then around 8:30, we had a torrential downpour. After that, it got very dark and looked like maybe a tornado was on the way. But nothing came of it. Since around 9:45, it's been clearing, much to my relief!

[Matt H.]

I am so glad some of you are posting more than three jokes, since I have none to offer. I enjoy them, but they go into my head and out again as fast as I hear them.

If any come to me during the day, I'll post them, but I'm not holding my breath waiting for any to arrive.

I'm enjoying the ones already posted, however.

[Matt H.]

The two highest rated CBS comedies and '24' will make up my viewing for the evening. The NCAA basketball finals and an extended DEAL OR NO DEAL have taken off the rest of my usual Monday viewing habits.

Since I'm not a great fan of TWO AND A HALF MEN, I may watch last week's MY NAME IS EARL in that spot and then tune in OLD CHRISTINE "live."

[vixmom]

During WWII, Jean Claude the famous fighter pilot took the opportunity during a weekend leave to take a pretty mademoiselle, Marie, out for a picnic.  As they sat by a river in a secluded part of the countryside, Marie began to feel romantic

“Oh Jean Claude, kiss my lips”

Jean Claude took a bottle of red wine from the picnic basket, dipped in his fingers in the bottle and drew his wet finger across her lips

‘OH! Jean Claude! What are you doing” asked Marie quivering with excitement

“When Jean Claude, the famous fighter pilot dines on  the ze red meat he must have ze red wine as well”

After some several moments Marie gasps,”Jean Claude, go lower, go lower!”

Jean Claude reaches into his picnic basket and removes a bottle of white wine.  He dipped his finger in the wine and slowing drew it across Marie’s heaving bosom.


“OH! Jean Claude! What are you doing?!” she flutters



‘When Jean Claude the famous fighter pilot dines on ze white meat he must have ze white wine as well!”


Several moments later Marie whispers, “Oh Jean Claude, go lower, go lower”


Jean Claude reaches into his picnic basket and removes a bottle of cognac, he tosses it onto Marie’s lap and lights a match and throws that on as well.  Marie’s skirt bursts into flame and the hapless girl leaps into the river and screams, “Jean Claude what ze hell do you zink you are doing?”    






“Ah Marie, when Jean Claude, the famous fighter pilot goes down, he goes down in flames!!!!

[vixmom]

A virile, young Italian sailor was relaxing at his favorite bar, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...yousa finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No-oh." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting >ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "Yousa finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No-oh."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "Yousa finish?"














Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "Oh no, I Norwegian."

[vixmom]

A thirty-something woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly-regarded restaurant. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to his apartment and, as he shows her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft,sweet,cuddly teddy bears. Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of the little buggers...carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!  
 
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized  bears covering the entire length of the middle shelf and huge, enormous bears running all the way long the top shelf. Quite the display!

She thought that this guy had a real sensitive nature - maybe he's the one!

She turns to him. They kiss slowly... and then they rip each other's cothes off and make hot, steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy, lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly.

She strokes his chest and asks coyly, "So? How was it?"









The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[vixmom]

I hope the family site rules have also been lifted!!

[Dan (the Man)]

The First Dirty Joke I Ever Heard:

A naked woman is laying on the bed and a naked man is standing next to it.  The woman spreads her legs and says to the man, "Do you know what I want?".  The man shakes his head no.

The woman spreads her legs further.  "Now do you know what I want?"  The man shakes his head again.

The woman spreads her legs as wide as they can go.  "Now do you know what I want?"

"Yeah, "  says the man.  "You want to take up the whole bed by yourself, but I'm not going to let you!"

I think I was in fourth or fifth grade when I heard that one.  I'm not sure if I got it back then, being the innocent young lad that I was.