Topic: JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED (Read 25000 times)

vixmom · « **Reply #90 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:31:42 AM »

How many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?

Does it have to be a light bulb?

Jennifer · « **Reply #91 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:35:22 AM »

Re: last night's DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

spoilers.

.
.
.

It is weird that they almost never show the Applewhites. There was such promise for them at the beginning. But I guess they realized that nobody has warmed up to the characters. And it's sad, but i don't really care what happens with them at all.

As for last night's show. I don't want Susan and her hubby to get back together. I don't like her husband (although they have been redeeming him big time lately). I want her back with mike (as i assume many do).

The best part of last night's show was lynnette and bree and the scenes with lynnette and bree's son. But especially the deposition scene.

It was funny watching gabby with the car seat. But sort of crazy that they just took the baby. Not sure where that is going. I actually thought they would take home the baby legally.

vixmom · « **Reply #92 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:35:56 AM »

Two men were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A "blonde" lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said the first man, "but we don't have a ladder."The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. The second man shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

bk · « **Reply #93 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:36:08 AM »

I'm up, I'm up. The phone ringing woke me up - have no idea who it was calling - was too groggy to answer. I'll go look at the number in a bit.

Excellent Joke Day so far.

Jennifer · « **Reply #94 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:39:18 AM »

Quote from: Matt H. on April 03, 2006, 08:30:28 AM

Love COLD CASE and the way they flashback and forward with the characters - often during the same scene we see characters the way they were then along with the way they are now. It gives the show its uniqueness, its identity. Sorry it made you crazy.

Not crazy, like dizzy crazy. Seeing the characters the way they were was fine. But the main characters on THE CLOSER for example are so much more interesting. ANd it is actually the police that uncovers the clues. I found COLD CASE so bizarre, in that all the clues were found by the suspects admitting everything (and then having them replay the scene exactly how it happened).
I'm sure a lot of shows do this. It just seemed like the detectives were not doing anything, but going from person to person (and then having us watch the exact scenes as they happened).

Jrand73 · « **Reply #95 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:42:23 AM »

A day without the internet is about the same as a day with the internet, except you don't get email.

DR FJL more TARZAN info please.

Jrand73 · « **Reply #96 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:44:30 AM »

Three nuns were driving their station wagon when it ran out of gasoline. They didn't have a gasoline can, but the did have a bed pan from the hospital.

Two of the nuns walked to a gas station and bought enough gasoline to get the car started and down the road. As they were pouring it into the tank, a car drove by carrying two men.

They watched what nuns were doing with interest. "What do you think about that?" asked one.

The other replied, "That's faith, brother."

Jrand73 · « **Reply #97 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:47:39 AM »

The nuns got the station wagon started and drove down the backroads to the gasoline station. Once there they all got out, some to pump the gasoline, some to buy snacks, and others to go to the restroom. One of the sisters had her arm in a sling.

The men sitting in front of the station looked them over carefully. One said: "Excuse me. We've never seen anyone dressed like you. What are you?"

"We're nuns. We are married to Jesus Christ," answered the nun pumping the gas.

"Oh....well what happened to that one?"

"Well, Sister Margaret was fell in the bathtub and broke her arm."

"Oh." The nuns left and there was a pause. The one man asked, "What's a bathtub?"

And the other replied: "How should I know. I ain't no nun."

Charles Pogue · « **Reply #98 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:51:21 AM »

A man came up to me and said he hadn't a bite in weeks. So I bit him. (Rimshot)

Jrand73 · « **Reply #99 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:52:12 AM »

A pilot came running back to the three passengers on the airplane. He said: "I'm sorry, the plane is going to crash. I will have to be there for the investigation and there are only three parachutes." He put on one, threw the others on the floor, and jumped out the door.

The three passengers stood there for a moment. It was a gentleman, a priest, and a boy scout. There was a short pause. Then the gentleman grabbed one of the parachutes and said: "I am the world's smartest man and humanity needs me." He jumped out the door.

The priest said to the boy scout: "You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You take the parachute."

The boy scout said: "Don't worry, Father. We each have a parachute. The world's smartest man just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

Jrand73 · « **Reply #100 on:** April 03, 2006, 08:53:34 AM »

And for a BONUS:

A man jumped out of another airplane and was having trouble with his ripcord. Suddenly he saw a man flying upward.....as they passed, the man yelled: "Do you know anything about parachutes?"

The man answered: "No! Do you know anything about lighting a Coleman lantern?"

Jrand73 · « **Reply #101 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:00:41 AM »

Thanks DR MATTH. I have preordered the sixth season of I LOVE LUCY...and for later in the month of May THE DORIS DAY SHOW season 3, and THE DORIS DAY SPECIAL.

Charles Pogue · « **Reply #102 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:09:24 AM »

A man wanted to know the meaning of life, he was told of a very great guru who lived in the snow-capped peaks of the Himalayas. He was told the trek was terrible and many did not survive, but he was determined. And he found guides, but they would take him only so far. As the trek became more perilous, the guides abandoned him, his food ran out, he froze in the cold snow and brittle, lacerating winds, he nearly plummetted to his death several times. But, as last, ragged, emaciated, bruised and torn, he came upon a small cave where a thin guru dressed only in a loincloth sat cross-legged and serene, oblivious to the weather. The weary pilgrim gasps out his question to the guru. "Oh, great and wise guru, what is the meaning of life?"

The guru looked upon the man with kindly eyes and beamed a beatific smile at him, gently replying: "Life is a fountain, my son."

The exhausted pilgrim couldn't believe his ears. His weariness suddenly left him and his face regained his colour as it grew red with rage: I spent all my money, quit my job, left my family and friends, nearly died a dozen times trying to find you, lost my half my toes to frostbite, endured starvation and the hazards and horros of weather and the wild to come here to find the meaning of life and all you have to tell me is: "Life is a fountain? That's it?! Life is a fountain?!"

The beatific smile left the old wise man's face, his kind eyes clouded with concern, with trembling lips he queried the angry acolyte: "Life is NOT a fountain?"

bk · « **Reply #103 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:13:31 AM »

It was so cold this morning, I fell out of bed and broke my pyjamas.

vixmom · « **Reply #104 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:15:54 AM »

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson had just finished a difficult case and decided to go camping out on the river for R&R. It was drizzly but forecast predicted cold front would pass by midnight. They back packed up river a couple of miles, set up camp, fished some, cooked fish and sat around campfire talking about how simple clues that might be missed might solve a case. They went to bed and along toward morning, Sherlock reached over and shook Dr. Watson by the sholder and said,

"Dr. Watson, tell me what you see!"

"Well, the sky is clear and it is cold, so cold front must have passed."

"What else?"

"Well, it looks like you can see a million stars, though I know the astronomers say we can see only about 6000 at a time."

"But what else?"

"Well, you can marvel at the handiwork of God, or you can marvel at how many million tons of hydrogen are being fused to helium per second to make that star light. What do you see, Sherlock?"

"Simple my dear Watson. Someone stole our tent while we were asleep!"

vixmom · « **Reply #105 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:17:55 AM »

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.

Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell and calls the police. Five minutes later, they arrive.

Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically,"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's in the shop, it simply will never be the same again!"

After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are," he says."You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you notice that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"

The lawyer looks down in absolute horror.

"Oh hell!" he screams. "Where's my Rolex?"

FJL · « **Reply #106 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:20:55 AM »

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office, says nobody talks to me, psychiatrist says "Next!"

vixmom · « **Reply #107 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:23:08 AM »

A Texas cowboy in New Jersey got pulled over by a State Trooper

for speeding; The trooper started to lecture the cowboy

about his speeding, and in general began to throw his

weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that

were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies

there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well

yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on

ranches. See they're called circle flies because they're

almost always found circling around the back end of a

horse.

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying

to call me a horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "Oh no, Trooper. I have too much

respect for law enforcement to even think about calling

you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes

back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool

them flies though."

A Texas cowboy in New Jersey got pulled over by a State Trooper

for speeding; The trooper started to lecture the cowboy

about his speeding, and in general began to throw his

weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that

were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies

there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well

yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on

ranches. See they're called circle flies because they're

almost always found circling around the back end of a

horse.

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying

to call me a horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "Oh no, Trooper. I have too much

respect for law enforcement to even think about calling

you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes

back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool

them flies though."

Charles Pogue · « **Reply #108 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:26:59 AM »

WARNING?!!! SICK JOKE. SOME MAY BE OFFENDED!

A couple gave birth to a child who was just a head. But through the miracles of modern medicine the boy was kept alive and turned out to be exceptionally bright. The parents doted on the child and took him to every specialist in the world to find out anything they could to do improve his life.

Eventually, they found a specialist who said he could perform a body transplant and graft the boy's head onto a body donor. All they had to do is wait for the proper donor.

Finally one day, the call came. They had found a donor. Elated, the parents ran up to their son's room, barely able to contain their joy: "Son, Son! We have a wonderful surprise for you!"

The lad cocked a cynical eyebrow at them and asked with skeptical sourness: "It's not another f@#king hat, is it?"

Charles Pogue · « **Reply #109 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:30:01 AM »

BK, don't bother with jogging. Why kill your knees. Walking's just as effective and something one is more likely to stick with. You may have to do it a little longer, but what's a litte extra time?

MAGIC worked much better as a book than a novel, because it takes forever to figure out the truth about Fats.

vixmom · « **Reply #110 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:36:39 AM »

The nurse says to the doctor, "There's a man in the waiting room who says he's invisible!"

Doctor say "Tell him I can't see him."

vixmom · « **Reply #111 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:37:20 AM »

A guy rushes into a doctors office and say " Doctor! Doctor! I feel like I'm a pair of curtains!

The doctor says "Pull yourself together!"

vixmom · « **Reply #112 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:38:41 AM »

A guy rushes into the doctors office and says, "Doc, I think I'm shrinking!"

The Doctor says, "Sir, calm down, you will have to be a little patient

vixmom · « **Reply #113 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:40:05 AM »

Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid?

He said it was no problem -- he could stop any time.

Ron Pulliam · « **Reply #114 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:42:46 AM »

Golly! Wading through the plethora of jokes to find any sort of topic to discuss is tough today.

vixmom · « **Reply #115 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:42:53 AM »

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd read many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she
made
for the ice.
After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut
in
the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonder moved further down the ice, and began to
cut yet
another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end
of the ice. She set up her stool once more and started again to cut
her
hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

bk · « **Reply #116 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:43:34 AM »

I'm not sure I read the novel, which I gather is told entirely through Fats' diary.

Ron Pulliam · « **Reply #117 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:45:29 AM »

I'll add a little something:

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all get together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary! Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair with an arm and both legs in casts and an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory he claimed, " Well brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear."

Ron Pulliam · « **Reply #118 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:45:43 AM »

I had a lovely three-day weekend.

Very relaxing.

vixmom · « **Reply #119 on:** April 03, 2006, 09:45:44 AM »

A blonde walks into a library, goes up to the librarian and says "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries, and a milkshake."
The librarian looks puzzled and says to the blonde "Ma'am... this is a library."
The blonde says "Oh! I'm sorry!" Then she whispers "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries, and a milkshake

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Author Topic: JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED (Read 25000 times)

FJL