Well, dear readers, I am now having to write these here notes in something called wordpad, because I cannot open my word files because my computer is done for. It’s been behaving poorly and weirdly and also weirdly and poorly for the last few months. Yesterday, was the straw that broke the Kimmel’s back, however, and I have had to purchase a brand spanking new laptop computer, with the help of dear readers Miss Susan Gordon and Mr. Craig Brockman. That computer won’t arrive for a week or so, so I’m having to write these here notes in wordpad. I do not like wordpad. Wordpad does not look like my usual word document. It looks strange. For example when I type an apostrophe it looks like a deformed heart. Frankly, or even Williamly, I do not like my apostrophe’s to look like a deformed heart. I like my apostrophes to look like apostrophes is what I like, and yet they look like deformed hearts because I am writing these here notes in wordpad.
Have I mentioned that I do not like wordpad? I find it difficult to think in wordpad. I only like to think in word, or even my special handy-dandy form that I used to type these here notes in (until aol crashed one fine day and I lost the whole of these here notes in one fell swoop, or was it one swell foop). The other thing I do not like about wordpad is that I don’t see a place where it’s telling me how many pages I’m writing. I could be writing one hundred fershluganah pages and I wouldn’t even know it. The only thing that I know for certain in wordpad is that my apostrophes, no matter how I might wish otherwise, will look like fershluganah deformed hearts. Another thing I don’t like about wordpad is that the way it is formatted I have no idea how big these here paragraphs really are. What I think is a sparkling and nice-sized paragraph might be two lines when I put it into my handy-dandy form. Well, we shall just have to deal with it, for there is nothing to be done until I have my brand spanking new computer. Then I shall be happy and carefree and my apostrophes won’t look like deformed hearts.
Has anyone noticed that today’s notes are beginning to resemble that fine song by Mr. Antonio Carlos Jobim, entitled One Note Samba? Surely I won’t spend the whole of these notes talking about wordpad? Oh, another thing I hate about wordpad is that it is not underlining every other word like my word documents – when things are underlined I know to check them for grammar or spelling. Here in wordpad, grammar or spelling doesn’t count for beans, although beans have always counted for grammar and spelling so why grammar and spelling can return the favor I have no idea.
Well, as some of you might remember, today is Ask BK Day, the day when you can ask me any questions your heart desires or, in the case of wordpad, your deformed heart desires. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, today is the day you may ask your excellent questions. Whatever questions suit your fancy, you just go ahead and ask them, and I shall answer them to the best of my very own ability. I shall answer them truthfully and in a forthright manner or, at the very least, a forthleft manner. Now, I want you lurkers out there in the dark to step out in the open and ask some excellent questions. I want those lurkers in the dark who love to use our handy-dandy unseemly search box day in and day out, searching for the same things over and over and over again, to ask me about the things you are searching for. Wouldn’t that be easier? Wouldn’t that just be ever so much more fun? However, we cannot Ask BK until we click on the Unseemly Button below because if we don’t click now we run the risk of being bitch-slapped from here to eternity and we can’t have that, now can we, especially in wordpad. So, let’s click away quickly.
Well, the good news is that once I transfer these here notes into my handy-dandy form for posting them to the site, the deformed heart apostrophes turn back into regular apostrophes. That is fine news indeed.
Last night I watched a DVD I had purchased a year ago, but had never gotten around to watching. It is a rather deliriously strange film of William Castle, who is known for his deliriously strange films. Somehow, I had never seen this particular deliriously strange William Castle film so it was fun to finally catch up with it. This deliriously strange William Castle film is entitled I Saw What You Did, and it stars Miss Joan Crawford, Mr. John Ireland and introduces the two teenage stars, Andi Garrett and Sarah Lane. Andi Garrett’s parents are going to be out of town for the evening, and they’ve hired a babysitter for her and her little ten year old sister. Andi invites her friend over to “have fun”. At the last minute (just before the parents are to leave), the babysitter calls and can’t come because she’s sick. The parents decide it’s okay to leave the ten year old in the care of her fifteen year old sister. Off they go, and soon all three girls are making prank phone calls to people they pick arbitrarily out of the phone book. Some of these prank phone calls are surprisingly adult in nature. After a while, they begin to call people and say “I saw what you did and I know who you are”. Unfortunately for them, one of the people they say it to has just killed his wife. Complications ensue for these headstrong teenage girls. There are a couple of fine shock moments, and the murder of the wife in the shower is an obvious Psycho-clone. Miss Joan Crawford plays the man’s next door neighbor, with whom he’s been carrying on. Joan is very good in this role of a demanding headstrong woman who wants her man in the worst way. He keeps saying things like, “Don’t crowd me” but crowding him is just what she does because she finds out his secret – well, let’s just say that along the way there is another murder and Andi has her ultimate confrontation with Mr. Ireland. Why have I just told you the entire plot of this film? You could have watched it by now. Anyway, it’s all quite enjoyable, and the script has some fine moments courtesy of writer, William P. McGivern. Mr. McGivern happens to be the man who wrote the novel, The Big Heat, which was made into a wonderful film by Fritz Lang. I Saw What You Did also came from a novel, Out of the Dark, by Ursula Curtiss. It’s actually a terrific premise, and someone should remake it because it would be a bang-up thriller. By the way (BTW, in Internet lingo), the film’s adline is “The first film about Uxoricide!” Frankly, I feel we need more films about Uxoricide, don’t you? I feel we simply have not had enough films about Uxoricide and someone needs to do something about it.
What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Man, oh man, I really don’t like these deformed heart apostrophes. They are giving me the willies.
Today I shall be picking up a test DVD of my very own film and I will be checking it out, making sure everything works as it should. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? I shall let you know how it is in tomorrow’s notes which, by the way (BTW, in Internet lingo) I shall be writing in wordpad.
I can’t wait for my brand spanking new handy-dandy laptop computer to arrive, because if it doesn’t arrive soon I may commit Uxoricide on this computer which won’t let me open my word documents, damn its ungrateful little eyes.
Oh, I keep forgetting to mention, that we have begun our series of interviews and the first of them will be going up in a few weeks, so watch these here notes for the details. The first series of interviews will be with the likes of Mr. Jason Graae, Miss Kerry Butler, Miss Liz Larsen and her ever-lovin’ hubby, Sal Viviano and our very own handy-dandy musical director, Mr. Todd Ellison, who is currently rising up on an elevator nightly on Broadway, conducting 42nd Street. The interviews will be loads of fun and somewhat irreverant in nature. Have you ever been irreverant in nature? I have. I was once quite randy in the bushes.
Well, dear readers, I must away, I must take the day, I must do the things I do. I can’t stomach looking at any more these fershluganah deformed heart apostrophes, and before I commit Uxoricide on them I shall take my leave, but don’t worry, I shall put my leave back when I’m through with it. So, ask your excellent questions (including you lurkers out there in the dark – and you search box mavens, too – you know who you are) and I shall be back on the ‘morrow to answer them. Don’t forget, resist the temptation to answer the questions yourselves, otherwise you may be the victim of Uxoricide.