Well, dear readers, I hate to say it again, but what is it with people? There, I’ve said it again and do you know what – I didn’t hate saying it, it felt good to say it, so why did I say “I hate to say it again” when I did, in fact, not hate to say it again? I have gotten at least five calls in the last week from purported credit card companies, all telling me that the application I’d submitted has been approved and that if I’ll only give them my bank information they can deduct the “processing fee” from my account and get me my card. I almost fell for it the first time until I remembered a simple fact: I have not filled out a credit card application in two years. But, I keep them on the phone because my feeling is if they disrupt my day I may as well waste some of their time in return. And so I act as if I’m very interested. I ask questions. I shmooze. I joke. And then I decline. There are two types of little scammies at work here. One, they offer you a credit card with a nice credit line – what they do not tell you unless you probe and probe is that it’s some kind of club you are joining and the card they issue is a “pay-as-you-go” thing, not a proper credit card at all. They are clever, however, by giving themselves names which sound like legitimate credit card companies. The second, which just this moment happened (hence this handy-dandy timely diatribe), is a regular credit card with a very nice credit limit. They, too, tell you they’ve received your application (they are banking on the fact that thousands of people fill these things out every day) and that for a one-time fee of $269 (deducted from your bank account on a date you choose in the next two weeks) you will have a Visa or Mastercard. However, with careful prodding and my patented investigative techniques (BK’S HANDY-DANDY INVESTIGATIVE TECHNIQUES, available for only $269, deducted from your bank account) I was able to ascertain the following: the company who would actually be deducting the $269 from your bank account is not the company that actually issues the credit card. No, what they do is, after they’ve deducted the money from your bank account, they give you a list of twenty banks from which to choose – and one of those banks issues the credit card. “So,” I said – just like that. “So, the bank that would actually issue the credit card could turn me down,” I said, prodding, ever prodding. I could hear the gentleman getting nervous. He said yes, they could turn you down but they rarely do. I said, “They rarely do, but they do occasionally turn some people down.” He had no choice but to say yes, that that was true. And then I said, if one is turned down what happens to the $269 fee that has been deducted from the bank account. Well, do you know what he said – he said that was a non-refundable fee, that is what he said. “So,” I said, just like that. “So, I could not only not get the credit card, I could be out $269, correct?” He said that was true but that that rarely happened. I then dug deeper – I asked him what a “one-time” fee meant. He said that the $269 was a one-time fee and there would never be another, no annual fees or anything. “But,” I said – just like that, for by this time I had tired of saying “so“. “But, does the bank that actually issues the card charge annual fees?” He said he didn’t know for sure but that he supposed it was possible. I then said that I supposed it was possible that I wasn’t going to let him take $269 out of my bank account for the privilege of them sending me a list of twenty banks so that I could then fill out an application and maybe get approved for a credit card which would, in all likelihood, be charging me an annual fee. I thanked him for his time and hung up. This has been a public service announcement, dear readers – do not fall for this stuff. Use my patented BK’S HANDY-DANDY INVESTIGATIVE TECHNIQUES, available for only $269, a one-time fee deducted from your bank account.
What am I, 60 Minutes all of a sudden? Wasn’t that the longest paragraph yet? I do believe that is a new record, although I could be wrong. One of our posters asked if fifty-seven posts yesterday was a new record – no, I remember one fine day we had over ninety posts, although I could be wrong – certainly we’ve had over eighty. I do think it’s time to break 100 posts, don’t you, dear readers? Of course, then there will be broken posts all over the place, and a hundred of them at that, and wouldn’t that just be a bit unseemly, broken post-wise?
Last night I attended a little show called Babes on Broadway. Before I tell you about it perhaps we should all click on the Unseemly Button below. This will cost a one-time fee of $269, which will be deducted from your bank account. If you approve, click now.
Look at all you dear readers who clicked. However, fear not, nothing will be deducted from your various and sundried bank accounts. And remember, we will never ask you for your username or password.
Last night I attended a show called Babes on Broadway. The cast was made up of youngsters, who ranged in ages from about ten to thirteen (if my eyes didn’t deceive me – I hate when my eyes deceive me – I don’t deceive my fershluganah eyes, so why should they deceive me, damn them, damn them all to hell). This was the culmination of some kind of musical theater camp program run by actor Ron Fassler. It was a charming show – a “history” of musical comedy. The kids gave it their all, and some of them were really quite good. Mr. Fassler’s son was in the show, a pint-sized ten year old who could absolutely play Benjamin Kritzer, and he did a bang-up job on “Trouble” from The Music Man. I used to do that number when I was a kid, and the one thing I can assure young Mr. Fassler is that he will never ever forget it. Once you’ve learned “Trouble” it simply doesn’t go away, it’s in your bones. I can still do the entire number for you right now, but it’s not the same when one types it as when one performs it. One of the other kids, Ethan Gruska, is the grandson of Mr. John Williams, the wonderful film composer. He, I felt, was the most talented of the bunch, so he’s got those good Williams’ genes. I do adore children, so this show was a treat.
Well, dear readers, you all know what today is, so there is no use denying that fact. Today is Ask BK Day, the day in which you get to ask me all your excellent questions. Then, in tomorrow’s notes, I answer them clearly and honestly and in a forthright manner. Sometimes I even answer them in a forthleft manner, if the fancy strikes me. Of course, if the fancy strikes me I shall strike the fancy right back. Who does the fancy think it is anyway?
Well, by using my patented BK’S HANDY-DANDY INVESTIGATIVE TECHNIQUES, I have ascertained that it is time for me to take the day, time for me to do the things I do, time to get in my automobile and make the rounds and also the squares and triangles. I shall be back soon to start perusing your excellent questions. Ask away, my pretties.